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• The New York Times reported that 3,000 No Kings protest rallies were staged in all 50 states Saturday by liberal groups bitterly opposed to Trump. But there's one group that has to give the president credit. For 10 years, Donald Trump has gotten more fat women out walking than Jenny Craig.
• President Trump infuriated Democrats Friday by signing an executive order that will pay TSA security agents with emergency funds, circumventing Senate Democrats and lighting a fire under Saturday's protests. The No Kings rally certainly lived up to its name. No German Shepherds showed up.
• No Kings protests were held in cities to protest the executive power exercised by Trump. Morale is low lately. The tens of thousands of Americans marching in the No Kings protests were matched by the tens of thousands of Americans standing in 4-hour lines at the airport in the No Congress protests.
• President Trump signed an order paying the TSA workers and ending a perfect storm at the airports. We suffered long TSA lines at the airport security gates due to TSA staffing absentees. Then ICE arrived causing even longer lines at the airport Taco Bells due to Taco Bell staffing absentees.
• J.D. Vance will head up a government task force to expose fraudulent government scams. The vice president plans to start by targeting the three biggest frauds that'll be the easiest to prosecute. They are the Somali Day Care Centers, the Los Angeles Hospices and the Tiger Woods Driving Schools.
• The Kennedy Center awarded the Mark Twain Prize to Bill Maher who has raised eyebrows by his support for the Iran war. Maher's selection was instantly and angrily denounced by militant Islamic advocacy groups. They just spontaneously exploded, which has been the whole problem all along.
• Congress adjourned Friday without passing the GOP's Voter ID bill that's bitterly opposed by Democratic lawmakers. Last Election Day, at the end of a long working day, the landscaper at Forest Home Cemetery in Chicago locked the cemetery gates. He was arrested for suppressing the vote.
• National Geographic tested the effect on marine life of all the drug boats Trump's blown up in the Caribbean and found two sharks tested positive for cocaine. Well, thank Heaven they didn't test positive for marijuana. The last thing we want approaching Miami Beach are sharks with the munchies.
• The Philadelphia Inquirer reports a Secret Service agent accidentally shot himself in the leg while in the trailing car escorting Jill Biden to an event in Philly. Blame it on the Homeland Security funding impasse. If Congress isn't going to pay these guys, there are a million tricks to collect disability.
• President Trump held court on stage at a GOP fundraiser in Washington, D.C., last week with the TV cameras rolling. He claimed that an Iranian asked him to be Iran's new Supreme Leader, but Trump wisely said no. It was obviously a trick by Democrats to get him killed by an Israeli missile strike.
• Bruce Springsteen joined Joan Baez and Jane Fonda and Bernie Sanders to headline a No Kings Rally on Saturday in St. Paul, Minnesota. The four legends made only two demands ahead of the event. They all agreed to perform as long as they're done by 3:00 pm and they get a pudding cup.
• Loyola's student paper apologized for calling an illegal immigrant an illegal immigrant who murdered a plus-sized wealthy white Loyola co-ed from New York's Westchester County. The newspaper editors need to update their virtue signaling. There is no such thing as being overweight on stolen land.
• Iran revealed it possesses longer-range missiles by attacking a U.S.-British naval base 2,500 miles from Iran. Yesterday Iran fired a long-range missile at the White House. But the missile gave up after waiting 4 hours in the TSA line at La Guardia to catch a connecting flight to Washington.
• The New York Times says the 82nd Airborne Division en route to the Middle East is possibly poised to drop onto Kharg Island while the Marines secure the Straits of Hormuz. The Iranians are lucky Congress isn't running this war. They'd deputize Iran's leaders as TSA officers and starve them to death.
• The White House sent ICE agents into airports to help alleviate the long lines of passengers at the TSA checkpoints Monday. Airports said things improved by the next day, and that the lines disappeared in Atlanta. Nothing gets everybody moving like sending ICE to the airport on Taco Tuesday.
• U.S. Rep.Maxine Waters vowed to confront ICE agents at airports Wednesday. But ICE agents drew raves from passengers interviewed in line for speeding up the waiting and delivering water to anyone in line. They even shook hands with passengers flying back to Mexico like it was old home week.
• The Senate Republicans tried every trick in the book to try to pass the Voter ID law before the Easter break. The added GOP provision to require proof of citizenship in order to vote sounds a little personal. I think the object is to make Barack Obama spend the rest of his life saying Oh, I forgot to vote.
• GOP candidate Steve Hilton surged to the lead in the California governor's race in Tuesday's polls. He was born and raised in England but both parents were from Hungary but he identifies as a Californian. That's like me saying I'm Chinese because my mother went into labor at Panda Express.
• President Trump while attending a roundtable in Memphis Monday, made an unscheduled stop at Elvis Presley's Graceland. Trump said he and Elvis were a lot alike. Well, to be brutally honest, Elvis was a lot more like Queen Elizabeth considering that both of them died while they were on the throne.
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