Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Jack Hughes is demanding the Hockey Hall of Fame in Canada give him the puck from his Olympic gold winning shot. Both the U.S. Men and Women's Hockey teams won the gold. And they both won their championship games in sudden death or as they call it in Canada, Universal Health Care.

• Ayatollah Mostabi Khamenei remained in seclusion all weekend, believed to be in a hospital and in a coma. All we know is he went to a London hospital twice for erectile dysfunction and that he is now a disfigured amputee. And he's the guy in charge of inspiring his followers that life is worth living.

• Justin Timberlake agreed to allow the video of him flunking his roadside sobriety test in 2024 to be made public. I remember the last time I drove drunk back in early 1986, I suddenly swerved into a ditch to avoid hitting a tree and it turned out to be the air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror.

• Men's Health urged Baby Boomer men to take up strenuous exercise like karate or judo classes to enjoy a fuller, healthier endorphin release and a longer life. I'm not sure. If you ever doubted the benefits of sex, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, and rock ‘n roll, Keith Richards just outlived Chuck Norris.

• The Hollywood Reporter reports that legendary Hollywood action movie star and martial artist Chuck Norris died at age 86 in Hawaii Thursday after a brief hospitalization. For decades he enjoyed being the subject of macho tough guy jokes. Chuck Norris once told a woman to calm down and she did.

• The Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices hit $112 a barrel due to the ongoing Mideast conflict Friday but the administration is doggedly optimistic. Trump told reporters Friday that Iran will soon surrender and that oil will soon be down to $40 a barrel and that Chuck Norris is the new Shah of Iran.

• Iran fired a medium range missile 1,000 miles toward a U.S.-British base in the Indian Ocean, reminding the U.S. how easy it'd be for Iran to buy an ICBM from China. This raises a point of etiquette. If the Ayatollah nukes Washington, D.C. is the proper response nuclear retaliation or a Thank-You note?

• Elon Musk stepped up to try to break the airport security logjams due to the TSA funding cutoff by Congress. The world's richest man offered to pay the $65 million owed to the TSA workers out of his own pocket. However while delivering the payment he'll still be asked to take off his shoes and belt.

• President Trump warned Saturday that if the Senate doesn't fund Homeland Security he will order ICE agents to help TSA agents screen airline passengers. That settles it. I guess I won't be wearing my sombrero when I fly to Las Vegas on Tuesday, or I could get re-booked to Mexico City.

• President Trump congratulated the military for its stunning success in Iraq. In only 3 weeks, we've succeeded in eliminating the Ayatollah Khomenei and replacing him with the Ayatollah Khamenei. It's just like Trump to ditch the older Supreme Leader for a younger, hotter Supreme Leader.

• President Trump said Saturday the end is near for the U.S. attacks on Iran with all its nuclear capabilities knocked out and its missile program destroyed. Fifty leaders have been wiped out. It's gotten to where if you're a top Iranian regime official and Israel hasn't killed you yet it's a bit insulting.

• Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg hinted that massive layoffs at Facebook are coming, likely due to AI technology able to do the work of paid employees. Twelve years on Facebook have taught me two things. First there are some incredibly brilliant people out there and second, they are vastly outnumbered.

• The Chicago City Council voted to slap a 20% luxury tax on every hotel room in downtown Chicago's tourist-magnet hotels including the 5-star Trump International owned by Donald Trump. President Kennedy met one of his girlfriends at the Ambassador. They were introduced by the bellman.

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