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• The Washington Press Club Foundation will host its annual Salute to Congress dinner televised on C-SPAN in May. On this date in 1979 the House of Representatives began televising its daily proceedings. It was an immediate success, leading to the placement of cameras at other high crime areas.
• Variety reports Robert DeNiro declined a major role in Batman Part II. His performances give me guardrails onstage. I never want to come off as insane like DeNiro in Taxi Driver, or delusional like DeNiro in the King of Comedy, or someone with Tourette's like DeNiro when he talks about Trump.
• New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani threw a wet blanket over St. Patrick's Day by going on TV and comparing the history of the Irish to the plight of the Palestinians. Nevertheless, a joyful one million New Yorkers participated in the city's annual St. Patrick's Day parade. It was won by a Kenyon.
• The World Baseball Classic was won by Venezuela in a thriller over the U.S. team Tuesday and prompted a huge victory celebration in Caracas. We've come so far. Just a year ago, they were burning U.S. flags in Caracas, but now you only see that when CNN signs off the air at 2 in the morning.
• Daytona Beach Police called for calm after thousands of black college kids rioted on the beach during spring break. The locals are fed up. The cops posted a wanted bulletin saying they're looking for a racist attacker, and the next day the Daytona Police received emails from 500 people seeking the job.
• New York Governor Kathy Hochul asked New Yorkers who've moved to Florida to escape her taxes to return to New York and pay her taxes. Four years ago she told them to leave New York, they don't have New York values. Since Kathy became governor, more rich men have fled Manhattan than Epstein Island.
• Politico warned that Democrats are so far left they may never get back to the center. Pundits all say that the Democratic Party is no longer the party of Jack Kennedy and Bill Clinton. So if the Democrats will go back to being the party of extramarital sex they'll appeal to the middle of the country.
• Homeland Security nominee Markwayne Mullen was grilled in a Senate confirmation hearing Tuesday. He'll be the first Native American to be in charge of Homeland Security. It explains the new road signs at the U.S. border that read, Welcome to the United States of America — Our Slots Pay 97%.
• The New York Post reports Denmark's security chief ordered Danish soldiers to Greenland in January to blow up runways if Trump tried to take over Greenland. I can guess what stopped the takeover. Trump talked it over with the Marines and they all agreed that Cuban chicks are MUCH hotter.
• President Trump ordered the re-opening of the offshore Santa Ynez oil pipeline in California Tuesday, which was closed after a spill in 2015. The high oil prices raise the price of everything. Taco Bell just raised the price of all their menu items to keep people from coming there for cheaper gas.
• President Trump sat with Japan's female prime minister and said he ordered a surprise attack on Iran like Japan did at Pearl Harbor. They attacked the Pacific Fleet in 1941 after the President Roosevelt cut off Japan's oil. What's funny is she sees Trump as FDR and Iran is convinced he's Harry Truman.
• Great Britain agreed to help the U.S. open up Straits of Hormuz Thursday. It's so dismaying to me. To give young people an idea of how the world has changed since 1917 and 1942, if Winston Churchill were alive today, the U.S. would join the war against Iran three years after Churchill started it.
• The Pentagon said it is uncertain who is calling the shots in Iran with the Ayatollah in a coma with an amputated leg. So many Iranian leaders have been killed they're pretty much down to the Defense building janitor, who is just as defiant. He declared Thursday that I have not yet begun to mop.
• The Weather Channel reported the Santa Ana winds blew into Southern California from the Imperial Desert this week to bake Los Angeles in triple-digit degree heat. The heat was unbearable in the desert resorts. It was so hot in Rancho Mirage, the Betty Ford Center said screw it, and served daiquiris.
• The White House ordered the California Santa Ynez oil pipeline be re-opened to help lower sky-high gas prices Tuesday. For the first time in history, cocaine is cheaper than gasoline in West Hollywood, leading everyone in town to ask each other one question. Why drive when you can run?
• The World Baseball Classic was won by Venezuela in a thriller over the U.S. on Tuesday. Trump paused the campaign to conquer Iran, Greenland, Canada and Cuba to offer Venezuela statehood. Iceland is the only Western country which has no McDonald's so they're the only ones safe from Trump.
• The San Francisco Chronicle reported Friday that the SFPD and the LAPD are monitoring for drone threats due to recent reports about foreign actors. There's little we can do. The only defense Hollywood has against drones is the Oscars orchestra that plays them offstage after 30 seconds.
• The Ayatollah Khamenei remained out of sight Wednesday but issued a warning to the United States of reprisal attacks on the US mainland. The FBI reported military plans by the Iranian military to attack California with drones. We do know that Iran is not above attacking its allies.
• Iran's Ayatollah Khamenei remained in a secret hospital Wednesday while issuing directives against Israel and the U.S. His transition to power is now complete. Not only is the Ayatollah in charge of the military operations and internal security, but his portrait is now on Iran's three-dollar bill.
• The CIA told the president Monday Ayatollah Mosjaba Khamenei is probably gay. His gayness became public knowledge when Mosjaba was a 10-year-old boy in the 1979 anti-American riots in Teheran when he faced the rioters and supported the object of their rage. He stood up for disco music.
• The Israeli Defense Forces killed two more major leaders in the Iranian regime, including the intelligence chief. That's 12 Iranian leaders assassinated by drone attacks so far. The guy who arranges Iran's Ruling Council meetings is starting to get desperate. They're running out of cardboard.
• Iran's regime announced they've cut off Internet access to all 92 million Iranian citizens. U.S. sanctions removed McDonald's, Pizza Hut, Burger King, KFC and Taco Bell restaurants from Iran. And so today the Iranians are the happiest and healthiest people in the history of oppressed people.
• The House of Representatives passed a bill Wednesday that would automatically deport any illegal aliens convicted for committing welfare fraud. It'll never get through the Senate. Republicans call it a common sense measure while Democrats call it a direct slap in the face to the people of Somalia.
• The South China Post reported Wednesday that North Korea's dictator Kim Jung Un was recently re-elected president of North Korea and he carried 99.93 % of the vote. Of course the story doesn't end there. In other news, North Korea's population just mysteriously decreased by .07%.
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