Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• New York City hosted a huge St. Patrick's Day parade on Tuesday that stretched along Fifth Avenue five miles with a million New York Irish in the parade. Hollywood always has a soft spot for the Irish. Sunday night every actress at the Oscars that could fit into a Size-2 dress raised a glass to the O'Zempics.

• The Academy Awards ceremony in Hollywood Sunday is rumored to have saved the Ayatollah's life in Iran. The Supreme Leader was lying in his hospital room in a coma, when an old friend came by to see him, and turned on the Oscars ceremony. The Ayatollah got up and changed the channel.

• The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences announced that the Oscars ceremony will move to You Tube in 2029 due to plummeting ratings on broadcast TV. The public can take only so much. The Academy Awards ceremony Sunday was so bad I had to have seat fillers in my living room.

• The Oscars on Sunday was ripped by critics for being weird and stilted. It was full of awkward banter and severe technical speech cutoffs. The only way you could get me to watch the Academy Awards again is if you promised me Will Smith is going to start punching guys for calling his wife bald.

• Cuba had an island-wide blackout Sunday when electricity ran low due to the energy embargo imposed by Trump, who wants to force Cuba to convert from communism to a free market economy. Last week they opened up a Gold's Gym in Havana. You can imagine the line to use the rowing machine.

• The Sydney Herald reports that five of the seven defectors from Iran's girls soccer team opted to go home to Iran from Australia. It wasn't an easy choice. If the girls tell a joke about the Ayatollah in Iran they'll be executed, but in Australia they only get five years in jail under their Hate Speech Laws.

• Iran's Ayatollah was reported to be in an undisclosed hospital Monday. The Ayatollah has lost his sexual potency, he lost his leg, his face is disfigured and he's in a coma, however he still issued a statement of defiance. He's an inspiration to every hospital patient who's afflicted with Monty Python.

• Washington DC braced for a freak system of tornadoes Monday, sending DC residents to the basement. When the Redcoats burned the White House in 1814, a tornado arrived and turned them back from torching the Capitol. Only penicillin saved more Congressmen from that burning sensation.

• President Trump hosted Ireland's Prime Minister Michael Martin at the White House for St. Patrick's Day where Trump paid tribute to the many contributions the Irish have made to the U.S. and to the world. It so happens the Irish invented the world's most effective sun block. It's called the pub.

• The FBI reported last Friday that its informers in Iran's government say there's a plan for the Iranians to attack California with drone missiles. It sounds to me like part of a Trump-dictated peace settlement, Trump will allow Iran to have nuclear weapons if Iran agrees to attack California with them.

• GOP Senate Leader John Thune refused to change the U.S. Senate rules to alter filibuster rules over the Save Act. Republicans want photo ID and proof of citizenship to be able to vote and to block illegal migrants from voting, which is a problem out here. My nickname in Los Angeles is The American.

• The Wall Street Journal cited the latest Gallup Poll showing Americans are more divided than at any time since the Civil War. The latest survey says that 50% of Americans think the other 50% have lost their minds. Last week, I stopped talking to my imaginary friend over our political differences.

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