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• Academy Awards security tonight in Hollywood was extra tight due to the threat of Iranian drone attacks, giving the ushers admitting celebrities to the theater a really tough job. And that's because there'll be many new faces at the Oscars. It's the same people, they just have new faces.
• Iran's new Ayatollah appeared onstage in the form of a cardboard dummy at a rally Monday in Teheran. The regime had a life-sized cardboard dummy of the Ayatollah stand on the stage and preside over the rally as if he were the nation's leader. Don't laugh, for four years we did the same thing.
• The Daily Mail's reporting Thursday cast doubt on whether Majtaba Khoumenei, Iran's new Supreme Leader is still alive, reporting the Ayatollah is in a hospital in Teheran, and in a coma and he's lost a leg. U.S. air strikes killed his family. So if he does wake up I'd imagine he will be hopping mad.
• Conan O'Brien performed the host duties at the Oscars and there was no shortage of fresh jokes on Iran. The possibility that Iran's regime would drone attack an auditorium full of anti-Trump celebrities shows how crazy they are. No football team in history ever killed its cheerleaders.
• The Iranian regime proclaimed that drone attacks can be launched from anywhere Wednesday and vowed to drone-strike the U.S. The drone strike strategy needs to be better thought out. Last week Iran threatened to destroy California without realizing that Gavin Newsom already beat them to it.
• President Trump assured campaign crowds in Kentucky Wednesday that the spike in gas prices is just temporary, and will come back down as the war ends. Don't even ask about this week's price per gallon in L.A. Oil prices are so high in California Gavin Newsom just took out a mortgage to do his hair.
• Homeland Security remained unfunded Thursday due to a lost vote in the Senate. The lack of leadership and direction in Homeland Security allows the Pentagon to maintain that the air strikes on Iran are not illegal, they are undocumented, so it's okay. The missiles self-identify as Care Packages.
• Prime Minister Keir Starmer was slammed by Tony Blair Thursday for hesitating to back the U.S. against Iran. He'll never separate us. The only difference between the British and the Americans is that the Brits can ask the waiter for the Worcestershire Sauce with sounding like he's having a stroke.
• The White House moved to end the protected immigration status of 1,000 Somali immigrants in Minnesota. Their lawlessness is widely tolerated there. In Minnesota, the TV station runs each episode of COPS backward so that the criminals get released from custody and get away with their crime.
• Politico editorialized Trump has 2 months to lower gas prices before it affects the elections in November. I remember one candidate who offered 14 months off work, $980 a week in unemployment benefits and record low gas prices. And that's why in 2028 I'll be voting for Corona Virus for President.
• Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott and fiancee Sarah Jane Ramos broke up and called off their wedding, due to her anger over Prescott's chronic infidelity. A recent survey said 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is cheating, and now I've just got to figure out if it's my girlfriend or my maid.
• NBC News reported Wednesday that Jill Biden in June will release her first lady memoir titled The View From the East Wing. Many Americans found the Joe Biden Era in the White House to be a welcome break. We needed the four years without a president to take some time off and find ourselves.
• Jesse Jackson's Chicago funeral was a Democratic Party pep rally Friday. Jesse's life spanned an era of great Democratic campaign slogans. They evolved from All the Way with LBJ! in 1964 to his own Run Jesse Run! in 1984 to It's the Economy, Stupid! in 1992 to today's party slogan, Alihu Akbar!
• The Iran Revolutionary Guard staged a massive rally in Teheran Tuesday. Supporters faced the stage and pledged allegiance to a life-sized cardboard cutout of the new Ayatollah. The crowd had to be impressed when a paper airplane came out of nowhere and hit the cardboard Ayatollah in the nose.
• Secretary of War Pete Hegseth spoke to reporters Wednesday and gave details of U.S. strikes on Iran's drone-manufacturing facilities. The FBI uncovered a plot being hatched in Iran to launch a drone attack on the Los Angeles coastal communities. Out of habit Mayor Bass went dancing in Africa.
• The FBI warned California law enforcement authorities of the possibility of a drone attack on the Golden State by Iran using sea-based drone launchers off the West Coast. Governor Gavin Newsom reacted swiftly to the threat. If the drones make it to California, he'll give them driver's licenses.
• President Trump campaigned hard for Republicans in Kentucky and assured voters the Iran war will be over soon. For 40 years the Ayatollah prayed to G od for a war with the U.S. and on the first day of the war, Trump fired a shot from the edge of space and killed him. It speaks to the power of golf.
• Pete Hegseth was ripped by media for spending $15 million on steak and lobster for U.S. troops heading to the war. Pete learned his lesson. Next time, to avoid media attention, he is going to open Pete Hegseth's California Hospice & Somali Day Care Center & Steak and Lobster Pentagon Supplier.
• Iran vowed to stop oil tankers trying to exit the Persian Gulf for the West Tuesday. The logic is puzzling. Iran announced that only oil tankers bound for Russia and Pakistan and China will be allowed passage through the Straits of Hormuz, and these are 4 countries that will kill you for being gay.
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