Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Sports Illustrated reported on a poll which found that 53% of Americans consider NFL football to be the national game, surpassing Major League Baseball. New sports are coming up fast. This spring, two violent contact sports are drawing huge TV ratings, Mixed Martial Arts and Whack-a-Mullah.

• Paul McCartney revealed details about his life in the Beatles in his Vanity Fair interview this month. He said when John Lennon was killed Yoko called him and said she thought John might have been gay which wasn't true. It's completely normal for straight men to refuse to have sex with Yoko Ono.

• New Mexico police are scouring Epstein's ranch after reports of buried victims. Alec Baldwin killed his cinematographer, West Wing star Timothy Busfield was indicted for pedophilia, and Jeffrey Epstein bought a ranch there, all in New Mexico. Look, the state was not the locale for Breaking Good.

• The Senate impasse over Homeland Security funding raged on Tuesday resulting in record long lines at airport security gates. It's insane. At Burbank Airport today, the TSA line was so long I saw a couple meet, fall in love, get married, and file for divorce before they got to the metal detector.

• The Department of Transportation estimated that two million college students will be traveling south for spring break during this month. It's a time-honored tradition. Spring break gives binge-drinking college students in Indiana a chance to take some time off and binge-drink in Fort Lauderdale.

• President Trump warned Iran Tuesday that any ship trying to mine the Straits of Hormuz will be obliterated after U.S. forces sank 16 Iranian mine-laying ships. Trump is protecting the world's oil supplies, but not America's. The U.S. now has plenty of oil reserves, thanks to Venezuela and P. Diddy.

• The White House assured Americans the steep spike in gasoline prices was temporary and will return to normal as the Iran war winds down. Today at the Chevron Station in West Hollywood, I saw some poor guy putting $10 worth of gas in his car. I thought, where does he think he's going, Pump #3?

• The Hollywood Reporter noted social media reports Monday that 78-year-old pop singing icon Cher has volunteered to travel to Teheran to perform a Free Peace Concert. Unfortunately, Iran turned her down. Iranian government officials said they want someone younger than their own country.

• Politico reports that President Trump is playing his Middle East cards close to his vest and his war aims are difficult to discern. Some say he's playing 3-D chess with Iran, which is one school of thought about Trump. It could also be somebody in Iran's nuclear program once called him gay online.

• President Trump noted great progress in the destruction of Iran's missile and drone launchers Monday. He's said he wants to have a say in selecting Iran's next post-war leader. In regard to that on Saturday, the slain Ayatollah's son was elected the new Ayatollah by the Board of Directors at Target.

• Austin's D.A. refused to take to a grand jury the officer shooting and killing of a Senegalese gunman who opened fire in a Texas bar. He called the officers heroes. Trans-genders nationwide breathed a sigh of relief when the latest mass shooter just turned out to be a good, old fashioned Muslim terrorist.

• Kristi Noem was in Doral as Special Envoy to the Golden Shield of Americas, tasked to fight the drug smugglers. The drug war hit L.A. in the pocketbooks. In past months, Trump has destroyed 50 tons of cocaine in speedboats heading for the U.S., driving up the cost of attending the Academy Awards.

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