Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• President Trump agreed to be roasted at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Trump has survived three assassination attempts by Americans and two by Iran, so he feels ready for any comedian. No one has trained to take shots like this since David Copperfield stopped catching bullets with his teeth.

• US News and World Report published a Gallup Poll which found that American optimism is at its lowest point in decades, with only 62% of Americans happy with their lives. But I think that's about to change. We will soon be able to vacation in Cuba, Venezuela, Iran and maybe even Minnesota.

• Bill Clinton testified for six hours to the House Oversight Committee on Friday. It opened eyes to the extortion racket Epstein created to stock a one-man intelligence warehouse he ran for profit. The day before, Hillary assured Congress she only met Jeffrey Epstein just one time, when she murdered him.

• The National Archives will be monitoring the U.S. government release of all its UFO files this month. Forget outer space, we've been witnessing some eerie phenomena here on earth lately that just defies logic. For starters, it appears that Iran's nuclear program grew back faster than Trump's ear.

• Melania Trump chaired the UN Security Council Monday to promote the rescue of children in war zones. While Melania was away in New York, the president got a stern lecture from the White House chef at the breakfast table. He told Trump no, you can't have any Cuba until you finish your Iran.

• The U.S.-Israeli war with Iran began Friday with a CIA-directed air strike that killed Irans Supreme Leader the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. U.S. air strikes are what pass for term limits in the Middle East. The Ayatollah's family asks that in lieu of flowers, that you simply die, you filthy infidels.

• Iran's government announced Saturday that Ayatollah Khamenei was indeed killed by the U.S. air strike Friday. He remained dead after three days Monday, but hopes are still high among his fanatical followers. Over the last 2,000 years, the Middle East has the world's highest resurrection rate.

• President Trump said Monday that the CIA direct first strike killed the Ayatollah and 49 Iranian leaders. Trump said he was shocked they called a big breakfast meeting in a public place. Iran's religious culture is so Westernized now that five times a day the leaders answer the Call to Waffle House.

• Marco Rubio briefed Congressional leaders on Iran Monday but Democrats refused to comply. The change of seasons can be demoralizing. House Democrats can't believe it's already Trump Is Going to Start World War 3 season already, they still have their Trump Slept with Underage Girls decorations up.

• The Pentagon assured the people in Iran Monday that all precautions are being taken to try to avoid civilian casualties. The U.S. air attacks on Iran have to be exhausting all the senior citizens at their Bingo parlors. Every time the emcee draws a ball and shouts B-52 everybody jumps under the table.

• President Trump posted daily videos keeping Americans informed about the war on Iran. He keeps the public involved in his thinking, in a reality show way. If the missile attack on the Ayatollah proved anything, it's that Trump has come a long way from simply telling contestants that they're fired.

• New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani expressed his opposition to the U.S. and Israeli attack on Iran and called it an illegal assault on Iran. As a South Asian, Zohran is sensitive to any latent anti-Muslim sentiment. Somebody needs to assure Mayor Mamdani that we will never forget the heroes of 7-Eleven.

• President Trump told reporters after the initial attacks on Iran Monday that U.S. combat troops may be needed. Why stop at Iran? Next Trump needs to rescue England before the London grooming gangs overthrow Charles and install Andrew as the King and underage girls become the law of the land.

(COMMENT, BELOW)