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• The Washington Nationals boast a sell-out crowd for their Major League Baseball Opening Day game with the Atlanta Braves on April 1st. By tradition it's a day when official Washington, D.C., honors the National Pastime. Attorney General Merrick Garland will be on hand to throw out the First Amendment.
• The Washington Post reported that DC is now enforcing a ban on businesses that refuse to take cash as a safety measure. Yesterday I used our ATM's new audio feature to withdraw some cash. The ATM asked me what denomination, and I replied Episcopalian, and out came two free drink tickets.
• Donald Trump got into an angry back-and forth with Jimmy Kimmel for telling Trump over the air at the Oscars that it was past Trump's jail time. Hollywood should stick to doing what it does best, cocaine and each other. Most Americans think the L.A. Marathon is sitting through the Academy Awards.
• The Donald Trump campaign lashed out at a former high-ranking NBC executive who posted on Barron Hilton's eighteenth birthday that now that he's eighteen, he's fair game. Even Democrats wanted no part of this. At six-feet-seven inches tall, Barron is the only Trump Tower that won't be seized.
• President Biden campaigning in Nevada Tuesday announced plans to build multi-storied high rise affordable housing in suburbs. He wants to re-zone the suburbs for what he's calling equitable housing. Then he wants to chainsaw all the suburban tree branches till they're all the exact same length.
• Joe Biden told a joke in Dallas about a destitute Trump coming to him for help. The political hubris it takes to tell this joke on his opponent reminds me of the African big game hunter who's clearing a space on his den wall for a tiger he intends to kill on his next safari. The tiger has other ideas.
• El Paso National Guard troops were charged by a mob of illegal aliens trying to crash through the Guard line of defense Thursday but no one got through. I hope NFL scouts were watching. If the Jets had blocking like this, Aaron Rodgers wouldn't even think of retiring to run for vice president.
• The White House directed the Justice Department to challenge a new Texas law that lets Texas catch illegal migrants and arrest them and then deport them. We could face a serious international showdown soon. Mexico just started building a border wall to prevent the migrants from being sent back.
• Joe Biden raised a ton of money campaigning in the Southwest Thursday. The Establishment media has been trying to portray Biden as old and doddering, and Joe's fighting back ferociously. The advice that you play dead when a bear attacks sounds suspiciously like something the bear came up with.
• Congress neared a government shutdown Thursday when six spending bills came up for a vote just before the Friday deadline for congressional funding. It's a nail biter. If a shut down should ever happen, thousands of government workers would have to stop not working for the American people.
• The Florida legislature is debating a bill that bans use of pronouns in the workplace that don't align with a person's sex at birth. The bill is angrily opposed by the state's LGBT faction. As for me, I identify as a straight male, but according to Stouffer's Macaroni and Cheese, I'm a family of four.
• People magazine reports Elon Musk and actress Talulah Riley are seeing each other once again. They got married in 2008, divorced in 2010, remarried each other in 2013, but then divorced again in 2016. In Los Angeles, you can legally park in a handicapped spot if you get back with your ex more than twice.
• Fortune magazine reported that lab researchers at George Washington University in St. Louis have created a new pill that is made up of chemical compounds that mimic the benefits of exercise. Hold the phone, we already have a pill that mimics the benefits of exercise. It's called methamphetamine.
• Senator Marsha Blackburn received e-mail threats on her life from TikTok addicts who are livid over her attempts to have the platform cut off over Chinese spying. Have you seen some of the videos? If the newspaper was the evolution of the town crier, TikTok is the evolution of the town drunk.
• Congress held hearings into the millions Hunter Biden received from China and funneled to his family. It could violate the Espionage Act. The World Bank just reported that China's economy is now in a free fall, indicating there's a good chance that Hunter sold them the blueprints to Build Back Better.
• The Pew Research poll reports that two-thirds of Americans dislike how social media divides our nation. Social media has done such a great job of turning everybody into an expert on everything, there are only two men left who don't know anything. We honor these two men by running them for president.
• President Biden hopped out of Air Force One to campaign Wednesday in Dallas wearing his new pair of Hoka sneakers that are designed with wide soles and cushioned heels to keep old men on their feet or at least cushion their fall. Joe got the Jerry Ford Signature Shoe. Stunt men swear by them .
• President Biden flew to Dallas on Wednesday to attend a political campaign fundraiser hosted by the Trial Lawyers Association. In my profession, Joe and the Trial Lawyers have a lot in common. There are only three jokes about trial lawyers and three jokes about Joe Biden, the rest are true stories.
• The Wall Street Journal reported from Haiti Monday that police in Port-au-Prince are battling the gang of cannibals that overthrew the government of Haiti, sending Haiti's governing regime into exile. It happens periodically. The last gang of criminals to take over Haiti was the Clinton Foundation.
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