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• Daily Variety says the Women of the View are the highest rated daytime talk show on network TV. Every morning they crucify Donald Trump and then every afternoon Fox News raises him from the dead. I think it's hilarious the three angriest women on television are named Whoopi, Sunny and Joy.
• Bobby Kennedy made news on Thursday announcing that New York Jets star Aaron Rodgers is on his short list of VP running mates. The quarterback may accept if offered. Aaron Rodgers might figure that the Jets offensive line is so terrible that he would be safer running behind a Kennedy this fall.
• New York's St. Patrick's Day Parade on Fifth Avenue aired live on NBC Friday with millions there. I'm not honored to be Irish, I'm an Anglo-Saxon. Being Anglo-Saxon means cleaning my bathroom with a bacteria-killing cleanser would be a lot more fun if I could hear the bacteria screaming.
• McDonald's was hit by a worldwide IT outage that prevented employees from processing food orders, leaving hungry customers frustrated by the system failure on Friday. There was worse bad news for McDonald's customers this morning. They just called in Boeing to fix their ice cream machine.
• Forbes magazine reports Elon Musk is developing spy satellites for the Pentagon and launching them into space aboard his Space X rockets. He changed the name of Twitter to X. Last week a deal between Elon and Don Lemon fell apart when Lemon demanded that X change its name to Malcolm X.
• U.S. Senate candidate Adam Schiff was accused by fellow Democrats in California of taking donations from fossil fuel companies. The climate debate continues to rage. President Biden called climate change deniers Neanderthals, causing the Geico Caveman to challenge Biden to a cognitive test.
• Donald Trump took a day off from his busy court schedule to campaign Saturday at a rally in Ohio. He can read the room. Trump appealed to northern Ohio by vowing to slap steel tariffs back on China and then appealed to southern Ohio by promising a presidential pardon on ketchup and eggs.
• Politico reported on Sunday there will be a mass exodus of members from the U.S. Congress this fall by Members who say that they've had enough. That's quite literally true. They've already removed all the gold bars from their closets at home, allowing them to make the fastest getaway possible.
• Haitian police are reportedly engaged in a street war with the gang of cannibals that took over the capital city. It's caused thousands to flee the island by boat. The State Department insisted that none of the cannibals have reached the United States, but the administration's DEI staff is working on it.
• Governor Ron DeSantis deployed state troopers to patrol the coast of Florida to turn back the approaching Haitian refugees. Last week, Haiti was completely taken over by a gang of cannibals. And now, Weight Watchers in Haiti is promising to reduce you from feast to beef jerky in only sixty days.
• The White House said border crossings are down this month thanks to Mexico clamping down on its own southern border. Last week Mexican border guards tried to stop a caravan of migrants by firing pepper spray at the Guatemalans. That's like trying to halt Germans by throwing beer at them.
• Senator Chuck Schumer accused House Republicans of rejecting the Senate border bill to keep it alive as an issue. Ever since we Anglo-Saxons opened up the U.S. to immigration in 1848, nobody drinks from the skulls of our enemies anymore. It's like we're forced to behave because company's here.
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