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• The National Park Service says hiking is a great way to get into shape and improve your heart and lungs. Last week a Boy Scout troop was hiking on a California mountain trail and thought they saw Bigfoot talking on a pay phone. They were astonished because they'd never seen a payphone before.
•Harvard issued a study on the effects of optimism which found that a cheerier soul is good for heart health. I woke up this morning and I made a vow to eat right and exercise, and not scream at the TV while I am watching the news. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
• NBC News reports House Republicans are planning to call in Hunter Biden for open hearings on live TV. My advice to Hunter is to not enter the hearing room dressed better and sharper than his inquisitors. I have learned if you tuck in one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
• A New York Times poll which showed Donald Trump with a five-point lead over Joe Biden sent liberal Democrats into panic Monday. A few of them went overboard on cable news. I hope Michael Moore doesn't carry out his threat of going on a sixty-minute hunger strike, because he'll never make it.
• NBC News reported that a Donald Trump enthusiast and January 6th protest was sentenced to three years in federal prison for assaulting a Capitol Hill cop with a hockey stick. It didn't have to end up this way. He'd be free today if he'd acted confused in the courtroom and pleaded No Comprende.
•White House spokesman John Kirby said President Biden is open to compromise with Congress on the border bill. Joe hasn't got much time left to maintain his current policy. President Biden went to the U.S.-Mexico border crossing in Brownsville Thursday to cut the ribbon for a new Grand Opening.
•President Biden will deliver a State of the Union before a joint session of the House and Senate in the Capitol tonight and the speech is expected to draw huge TV ratings. No one wants to miss it when Joe takes the stage. Almost every American can agree he's the funniest comedian in his price range.
• Donald Trump swept to victory in the Super Tuesday primaries as did Joe Biden setting the stage for the fall. Again it appears our only two choices for Head of State are Trump and Biden. This is the perfect time for Mel Brooks to star King George III in a new Broadway musical called Miss Me Yet?
• Super Tuesday permitted voters in sixteen states to cast their vote for their party's presidential candidate Tuesday. However, everybody's chief concern was a two-hour cutoff in social media. Early that day, Facebook crashed so hard that when it woke up Bill Cosby was standing over it in his bathrobe.
• The New York Post reported a nationwide near-panic over a social media outage on Tuesday morning when Facebook and Instagram and What's App all went dark together for two hours. There was very little reason for alarm. Mark Zuckerberg was just upgrading his surveillance software.
• The CDC ended its five-day isolation order for people who catch Covid Monday. I was protected throughout the pandemic by the resistance I've developed thanks to my party animal days in the late Seventies. Every time the virus tried to enter my nose it was shot down for violating Colombian air space.
• Walt Disney Company admitted that its woke political and social agenda in its creative content has hurt profits. Undeterred, Disney is re-booting the 90s series The X-Files only this time with black actors and with a black director. If they don't call it the Malcolm X-Files, there's no hope left for society.
• The White House tried to downplay Taylor Swift's political post on Super Tuesday that didn't endorse Biden. She urged her followers to vote for whichever candidate best represents them. That's about as close as you can come to endorsing Trump without getting kicked out of show business.
• Donald Trump won the Big Tuesday primaries and emerged as presumptive GOP presidential candidate. He hosted one thousand supporters for a victory party at Mar-a-Lago. This gave him one last chance to unload his remaining bottles of Trump Vodka before it ages into rancid potato moonshine.
• The White House was forced by a Freedom of Information Act lawsuit to admit it's flown over 320,000 illegal migrants into the U.S. in secret flights. The passengers can't be certain they will make it into the United States. They never know when the emergency door is going to break off at 20,000 feet.
•The New York Times reports that half the Americans in a recent poll blamed the federal budget deficit in Washington for the chronic inflation. No one stays within budget. CNN reported that the U.S. Postal Service lost $6 billion last year, making it by far the most profitable branch of the government.
• Michelle Obama expressed no interest in running for president Tuesday. What was effective in politics in the 2008 and 2012 elections no longer works. The Obama brand isn't nearly as powerful now, because no one cares if the Women of the View call you a racist for expressing a different point of view.
• Politico reports Joe Biden plans to go for Trump's jugular in daily campaign messaging. Either guy will do whatever it takes to win, whether it's legal or illegal, and they won't care about any legal jeopardy. If Trump and Biden are like me, the older you get, the less the threat of life in prison scares you.
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