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• The San Francisco City Council will vote on a measure giving every black in the city five million dollars for reparations, no business taxes and a house for one dollar. If this passes, all I can say is this. If you’ve never seen my Al Jolson impression, have I got a song for you, San Francisco!
• Justin Bieber fans were infuriated last week when a phony online article reported that Bieber had been killed in a car crash. In real news, Russia News Service reported a Siberian hunter repelled a bear attack by playing his Justin Bieber ring tone. The hunter is okay but the bear is in critical condition.
• Hunter Biden admitted in a statement Thursday he was in a venture capital deal with a Chinese energy company that fronted him millions that he shared with his family. I root for Hunter because over the years he and I learned the exact same lesson. Vodka mixes well with everything except decisions.
• Madonna’s ticket website released her North American tour schedule, which is expected to sell out thirty dates through December. TMZ reports that Madonna is now dating a twenty-nine-year-old boxer, but then she’s always had a thing for boxers. Early in her career, Madonna dated Jack Dempsey.
• Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg hosted a conference of the FAA officials last week to clamp down on airport safety after several recent near misses. A stolen helicopter crashed on takeoff in Sacramento Thursday because the thief isn’t a pilot. Discount airfares are never as good as they look.
• The Silicon Valley Bank was closed by federal regulators, throwing sixty-five hundred people out of work last weekend. Those out of work now risk dying of boredom like many of us did during the pandemic. The trouble with unemployment is, the moment you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
• House Democrats were accused of playing politics by refusing to attend hearings on the Border Crisis. Well, the Federal Election Commission just said there are now 62 million Hispanic voters. It’s just a matter of time before English is America’s third language behind Spanish and Microsoft Chat Bot.
• The Washington Post declared that praise for America’s Anglo-Saxon traditions has always been about white supremacy. Our warlike traits escape from me when I have to do house work. Cleaning the bathroom with a bacteria-killing spray would be a lot more fun if you could hear the bacteria scream.
• Adidas sportswear reported it could lose a billion dollars this year because they dropped Kanye West as the face of their merchandise. Adidas dropped Kanye for anti-Semitic comments and now his fans won’t buy Adidas merchandise. It’s Hitler’s best news since The Producers was a hit on Broadway.
• President Biden completed his West Coast swing after signing a nuclear submarine deal in San Diego with Australia and England and a fundraiser in Vegas. While Joe was out West it appeared the banking situation is getting serious. I just got a note from my bank and they want their toaster back.
• Wall Street rallied Wednesday after the Swiss government was reported to be taking measures to back up beleaguered Credit Suisse Bank. It came as a big relief to nervous depositors worldwide. Meanwhile, President Biden reassured Americans that our bank deposits are completely safe in Ukraine.
• The Silicon Valley Bank CEO was found to have sold all his bank stock a week before the bank’s collapse and the departing bank employees took their bonuses just before the feds locked the doors. I’m not really certain that bankers are crooked. I’d have to see them steal money fifty more times to be sure.
• Business Insider asked Monday why the FBI isn’t done looking into Jeffrey Epstein’s death. The security cameras malfunctioned and he was alone because his cellmate transferred the night before. Journal Psychiatry reported that people who have dirt on the Clintons run a 900% greater risk of suicide.
• Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis warily circled each other last week in Iowa. I think DeSantis will have to target GOP women voters. The latest polls show that demographically, Donald Trump has unshakeable support from three ethnic groups--white males, white men and non-women of no color.
• Eric Garcetti was confirmed as U.S. Ambassador to India Wednesday after eight years as Mayor of Los Angeles. It’s a split society of ostentatious wealth where billionaires live in marble palaces while the sidewalks are littered with feces and beggars sleep in the street at night. And it’s much the same in India.
• Underground Railroad hero Harriet Tubman’s statue went up in Newark this week. Celebrants have no idea New Jersey refused to pass the 13th Amendment after the Civil War and did not outlaw slavery till late 1866. I’m guessing for a year, Tubman had to free slaves by smuggling them to Alabama.
• A South Carolina state legislator introduced a Pre Natal Protection Bill to make abortion an act of murder carrying thirty years in prison or the death penalty. These headlines give the South a bad name. Next Arkansas will ban the Reverse Cowgirl position, because you never turn your back on family.
• The Pentagon contacted the Russian military on the Hot Line Wednesday to get an explanation for Russia downing a U.S. spy drone aircraft over the Black Sea. It may involve sportsmanship. Putin shooting down a drone spy plane shows that even Putin believes shooting down spy balloons is too easy.
• President Biden said a Ukrainian group blew up Russia’s gas pipeline to Europe. Yes, Ukrainian frogmen, famously able to find an undersea pipe in a freezing Danish sea and set if off with C-4. We swear James Bond and Jack Ryan just happened to be in Denmark for a poker tournament that evening.
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