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• A Psychology Today study said cell phone usage is hampering people's ability to interconnect on a give-and-take level. People's disputes are becoming non-resolvable. The study reveals the three things that are the hardest phrases for Americans to say are You're Right, I'm Sorry and Worcestershire Sauce.
• Fox News reported that Tom Brady is considering a career as a stand-up comic and he's looking around for tips. When I started out in 1976, I figured out how to get the crowd on my side right away. I walked onstage every night wearing a white suit, and everybody thought they were getting free chicken.
• Merchant of Venom is a new biography of the great comedian Don Rickles who died three years ago, prompting a nice public eulogy from President Trump. He rose to the top of his profession by standing onstage and insulting whites, blacks, Hispanics, gay people and Asians. And so did Rickles.
• Senior Living reports retirement communities in Palm Springs now offer Baby Boomers enclosed gated neighborhoods with golf courses, pools, tennis courts, clubhouses with billiard rooms, gyms and card rooms. They'd better give it to us. The older we get, the less the threat of life in prison is a deterrent.
• A South Carolina jury convicted confessed embezzler Alex Murdaugh of murdering his wife and son, in the trial televised on cable news channels. The bad news for Murdaugh is he's going to prison. The good news is, Universal Pictures just cast Alex to star in The 49-Year-Old Virgin but Not For Long.
• The Academy Awards telecast producer announced this year's ceremony will include a crisis team that will handle any sudden problems during the awards show. Why kill the excitement? The Oscars allow you to see the most number of stars in one place without having to donate to the Democratic Party.
• President Biden angered House Democrats Thursday by vetoing a DC measure that would reduce jail time for the epidemic of carjacking in the capital. There's a reason carjacking is so popular in Washington. Because of the high employment rate nobody has the time to give you a ride to the airport.
• Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot lost in her re-election bid in Tuesday's Democratic primary when she failed to make the runoff. Under Lori's administration the city became rife with bloody street violence. Last night I ordered a Chicago-style pizza and it started shooting as soon as I opened the box.
• Florida's Ron DeSantis is on a national book tour to sell the country on the great job he's done attracting people to Florida. He only talks about Florida's beautiful climate during the winter time. In the summer, the difference between Florida and an oven is that an oven doesn't produce serial killers.
• The New York Times suggested that Joe Biden replace Kamala on the ticket in 2024 out of fear she could suddenly succeed him. There's lobbying by comedians to replace her on the ticket with Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman. The yard signs read Biden-Fetterman 2024—It's a No Brainer!
• The Journal of the American Medical Association published a study on the harmful side effects of sugar in which researchers tested sugar against cocaine and found that sugar is eight times more addictive than cocaine is. This study tells me one thing. The researchers used some really crappy cocaine.
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