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• Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip of Abergavenny, Wales, has weighed in on the American presidency, the Abergavenny Chronicle reports.
"Trump isn't the real enemy, leprechauns are!" he told the paper. "They have been using world leaders and royalty as puppets and distractions from their own diabolical schemes for generations. I don't think either Donald Trump or Kamala Harris were ever aware that they were being used by these corrupt, gold-hungry, shamrock-obsessed, stove-pipe-wearing, alcoholic little pygmies."
Turnip went on: "Most people don't think leprechauns are real, and neither did I until a wise man told me that I'd have a hard time finding a mermaid in this day and age because the leprechauns had systematically slaughtered most for them for their scales centuries ago."
Unsurprisingly, Turnip had MUCH more to say than we can include here. Consider yourself warned. [Abergavenny Chronicle, 11/11/2024]