Contact The Editor
Articles By This Author
• Bill Clinton agreed to tell the House Oversight Committee about his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein. The recently-released FBI files just outed dozens of rich and powerful public men. Woody Allen was linked to Epstein, but I refuse to believe that he's the kind of guy who'd cheat on his daughter.
• The Christian Science Monitor said churches are battling an emerging ethos that secularism is the national religion to justify church protests. The Constitution gives you the right to practice your religious beliefs without outside interference. So it's fair to say that if life gives you Lemons, arrest them.
• President Trump warned the Ayatollah to start worrying as the Abraham Lincoln aircraft carrier sailed in the Persian Gulf ready to launch a mission any day. Iran warned the U.S. that they are capable of taking out the Lincoln. They just named their cruise missiles The John Wilkes Booth.
• Ryan Routh, who laid in wait on Trump's golf course in Florida to try to kill him in 2024, got life in prison Tuesday. The federal crime he committed is called Attempting to Assassinate a Major Presidential Candidate. Kamala was angry to find out that trying to kill her might only get 5 to 10 years.
• The Super Bowl was played between the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots in Santa Clara, California. TV ads are prohibited for prediction markets, tobacco products and adult oriented content. The commercials are an annual measuring stick to make sure that cleavage sells beer.
• The Winter Olympics kicked off at Milan's San Siro Stadium with a spectacular ceremony topped off by the Parade of Nations athletes. Some nations never change their game. Russian figure skating coaches still act shocked when the drug tests come back looking like a CVS receipt.
• The Winter Olympics in Milan didn't take long to have its first doping scandal. The day before opening night, ski jump champion Marius Ludvik was busted for injecting his penis with acid to allow him to glide longer in the air. He must've injected loads of it because he's been suspended for 3 months.
• Grammy winner Billie Eilish in her acceptance speech claimed the U.S. has no right to enforce any border considering our past history of tribal conquest. Last night I got pulled over in L.A. for running a red light, and I told the cop that nothing is illegal on stolen land. At any rate, I just made bail.
• Scientific American on Thursday reported major progress in Silicon Valley's work on cellular re-generation to delay human aging. It's intended to delay what scientists call the bodily insults of human aging. I admit I am insulted that my car gets more extended warranty offers than I do.
• President Trump told the National Prayer Breakfast he will host an event rededicating the U.S. as One Nation under G od on May 17th. We all personalize our faith. My housekeeper devoutly believes Christ was Mexican because the scriptures say he had 12 Disciples who traveled with him in one Accord.
• President Trump announced a website Thursday he named Trump Rx that brings down drug prices to the lowest price of the drug anywhere in the world. We're getting there. Trump is the last Baby Boomer president, and my generation is never going to rest until free drugs are the law of the land.
• The Stop Insider Trading Act banning Members from trading stocks continued to advance through committees last week. The bill can't pass soon enough. Nancy Pelosi was last seen running through the Capitol Rotunda shouting at her stockbroker on the phone to sell Greenland and buy Iran.
• Bitcoin losses accelerated in the stock market as the crypto-currency fell 13% in the day's trading, totaling a 50% loss in the last four months. How the mighty have fallen. The difference between a pigeon and a Bitcoin investor is, a pigeon can still make a deposit on a brand-new Mercedes.
• California Congressman Jared Huffman addressed the House in bare feet. It was in honor of the late Grateful Dead co-founder Bob Weir, the rock star who just died, and he always performed on stage in bare feet. We should just be grateful that a well-known porn star hadn't just died.
• Walt Disney scheduled the movie release of Hexed in November about a teenager with magic powers. It's a risky time for teens in the Magic Kingdom. At Disney World one of the Mousketeers ran screaming down Main Street Friday night after she kissed a frog and it turned into Prince Andrew.
• The Westminster Kennel Club crowned a Doberman named Penny Best in Show Tuesday in New York. Back in high school, I got the scare of my life when I was chased by a pack of Dobermans for 60 yards from my girlfriend's window to the front gate. Her father was a tough crowd but I got the laugh.
• Senator Chuck Schumer vowed to oppose the pending Voter ID law, calling it Jim Crow 2.0 even though it has 80% public approval. That's insane. In this country, you need a photo ID to get a driver's license, to buy alcohol, to buy tobacco, to fly on an airplane, to rent a hotel room and date Bill Belichick.
• Fox News reports Ryan Routh was spotted by a Secret Service agent aiming his rifle from the bushes as Trump approached the 5th green at Trump Doral in September 2024. Trump wouldn't think of suddenly moving his head to save his life like he did at Butler. You move your head, you miss the putt.
• Oracle's takeover of Tik Tok was reported Wednesday resulting in many users uninstalling Tik Tok over privacy and censorship concerns. The most popular stars on the platform are a cross section of America's most inventive showoffs. Tik Tok stars are dominated by astrophysicists, strippers and cats.
• The New York Times asked if Gavin Newsom will be the Democrats' next big mistake. They said his record as California governor will be one long GOP ad. In defense of Gavin's qualifications I'd like to remind the Times that 9 of the last 10 presidential elections was won by the man with the best hair.
(COMMENT, BELOW)