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• The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce may prosecute Sydney Sweeney for hanging bras on the Hollywood sign. This is L.A. in a nutshell. If a woman is a beautiful conservative actress and pulls a silly prank they file charges but if you wear a mullet and gain 100 pounds we'll make you the Fire Chief.
• Bruce Springsteen invited himself onstage at a charity concert in New Jersey Friday to deliver an anti-ICE rant. People go to concerts for the music, not listen to the performer's politics. That doesn't stop Bruce Springsteen from opening his concerts with his new song Not Born in the USA.
• The Commerce Department reported the U.S. trade deficit with China has shrunk dramatically since the 2025 tariffs took effect. It's a start. Yet last week a Utah woman gave birth to a baby in the checkout line at WalMart and it was the only thing in the entire store that was Made in America.
• The L.A. Times reports a school kid only sustained minor injuries when was hit by a Waymo robo-taxi. The robo-taxis roll everywhere with nobody behind the wheel. They're the only drivers in L.A. that don't shout the N-word with their windows rolled up at anyone and everyone who cuts them off.
• The DHS announced Thursday it's upping the cash offer to illegal migrants to self-deport from $2,000 to $2,600. This a day after Sweden offered its asylum seekers $37,000 to leave Sweden. You know, a Somali could make a pretty penny flying back and forth from Minnesota to Stockholm every day.
• The White House rolled out Trump Accounts giving each newborn baby a $1,000 investment account. Allowing annual $2,500 family donations, each kid will be a millionaire at 28. Rather than deport illegal babies, Trump's figured out a way to make sure they become Republicans and learn math.
• Stephen Colbert hinted on Seth Meyers's show Tuesday that he might run for president in 2028. Steve once saved my life. A few years ago, I was lying in a hospital bed in a deep coma for weeks, and a friend came by to see me and he turned on Colbert's show, and I got up and changed the channel.
• Volkswagen announced the world's oldest surviving Volkswagen Beetle is back on the road in Germany after an 8-year restoration by a car collector. It rolled off the assembly line in Stuttgart in 1937. It's authenticated by the little sticker on the inside of the driver door that reads Body by Hitler.
• DHS Secretary Kristi Noem was in the hot seat Thursday after Trump sent Tom Homan to deal with Minneapolis and not her. If the president sent me to Minneapolis to negotiate with the protestors, Mayor Frey and Governor Walz I would tell everybody to relax. We're all crazy, this is not a competition.
• ICE director Tom Homan flew to Minnesota to ask local officials to give ICE agents police help in seizing illegal criminals. A Minneapolis sex shop has become a meeting center for anti-ICE protestors. Governor Tim Walz and Mayor Jacob Frey were seen discussing strategy in the Dildo Aisle.
• The White House reversed course and backed the weight-loss drug Ozempic to combat morbid obesity. If your spouse wants to lose the 20 pounds they gained over the holidays, suggest they walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles at night. By mid-February, the problem should be about 42 miles away.
• Denmark's King Frederick announced he will pay a visit to Greenland this month to give his colonial subjects a morale boost and a royal show of support, unity and allegiance. It makes me sad. If only King George III had done something like this for us, America wouldn't be in the mess we are today.
• Bill Belichick was snubbed by NFL Hall of Fame voters who did not vote him into the Hall his first year of eligibility Tuesday .For crying out loud, he won 6 Super Bowls. Oh well. Bill waited 49 years for his girlfriend to be born, I suppose he can wait another year to be elected into the Hall of Fame.
• Rock legend Neil Young announced Tuesday he's giving the people of Greenland free access to his entire music catalogue to console them for Trump's invasion threats. Their response came back quickly. The people of Greenland offered Trump their country if he'll block Neil Young on Spotify.
• The Sundance Film Festival featured an interview with Edward Norton Wednesday in which he called for a nationwide General Strike to protest ICE. Political grandstanding by actors can only mean it's awards season. Hollywood should stick to doing what it does best, cocaine and each other.
• Kenyan pastor and cult leader Paul Mackenzie who encouraged his followers to participate in a ritual called Starve to Meet Jesus, in which 429 people died, was charged in Nairobi Tuesday with 52 more deaths in his Starve to Meet Jesus ritual. I don't know if that's fair. Technically he kept his word.
• King's College in London did a study which found that every shrimp in England's five freshwater rivers tested positive for cocaine. Scientists warn it could have a long lasting effect on aquatic life. They're trying to figure out if the shrimp taste different, but they haven't been able to catch one yet.
• South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham on Fox News Tuesday applauded the arrival of the USS Abraham Lincoln carrier group in the Persian Gulf to confront Iran. This is history in the making. I never thought I'd live to see a South Carolinian my age cheer the arrival of the Union Navy.
• Amazon says AI technology allowed it to cut 16,000 jobs, delivering Amazon's vault of personal information to AI. Amazon has all my information, B of A has all my information, eBay has all my information and Google has all my information. The only one who doesn't know all my passwords is me.
• The Church of England confirmed Dame Sarah Mullally the first female Archbishop of Canterbury in history. The world has changed since church founder Henry VIII beheaded his wife for perceived infidelity. Bill Clinton had to get his wife a Senate seat and stay off TV to keep her from beheading him.
• The Daily Mail reports Sweden is offering immigrants and asylum seekers $37,000 apiece to go home to their native lands. The country's Nordic culture was being overwhelmed by the influx of arrivals from North Africa and Pakistan. Sweden just enlisted IKEA to help with the returns program.
• The Privilege Institute slated the White Privilege Conference for April in Seattle. They claim that exercising white privilege is instinctive. I show my support for law-abiding illegal aliens by eating tacos, because they were probably made by illegal aliens, but even if they weren't, they're still delicious.
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