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• The Washington Post noted Thursday that Jeff Bezos' Blue Origins rocket was set to launch later this year as the race to colonize space by private companies heated up. This past week, a U.S. spacecraft landed on the moon for the first time in fifty years. The Dollar General Store opens in April.
• Red Lobster ended its Ultimate Endless Shrimp deal, which allowed you all the shrimp you could eat for a fixed price, resulting in $11 million in losses. Red Lobster blamed huge new customer appetites. I guess it was just a matter of time before the legalization of marijuana killed off every buffet in America.
• Taylor Swift's tour hit Australia where her boyfriend Travis Kelce joined her in Sydney. He got to see just how hard pop stars and their backup dancers work every night. For instance, backing up Madonna is not easy, not only do you need to learn choreography you also need nursing certification.
• L.A. County Supervisors suspended the use of self-driving taxis in Los Angeles amid new safety concerns. I'm not really sure they are needed to maintain traffic fatalities. Enough people in L.A. already get killed by cars while walking across the street in Korea Town, China Town and Little Tokyo.
• Google apologized Friday after its Gemini program was found depicting the American Founding Fathers, Italian popes and even Nazi soldiers as black men. This re-writing of history has to stop. The Google images unfairly show Justin Trudeau as white and Elizabeth Warren with Cherokee cheekbones.
• The Pentagon warned Tuesday that the U.S. is still vulnerable to cyber attacks that could paralyze communications. The nation just had a cell phone emergency that sent millions into panic. AT&T and Verizon went out for two hours Thursday morning, leaving it to the Amish to calm the country down.
• President Biden ripped House Republicans for delaying a military aid bill unless the Democrats funded strict border control. The war should turn around soon. After biting 24 Secret Service agents and attacking White House tourists, President Biden sent his dog Commander to fight in Ukraine today.
• President Biden's German Shepherd Commander was sent home to Delaware after the dog bit Secret Service agents 26 times in the White House. The intervention was Sunday. The Biden family sat in a circle around the dog and took turns telling Commander how his cocaine use was affecting them.
• Joe Biden told Vanity Fair that Trump talks like a man who needs to be committed. Most people are just involved, and here's the difference. In a breakfast of ham and eggs, the chicken who laid that egg for your breakfast is involved in your breakfast, but the pig who gave up that ham is committed.
• Donald Trump held court on a Fox News town hall Tuesday while Joe Biden flew to California to talk donors out of their money. As fast as they talk you'd think they're being paid by the word. Based on our two top choices for president, I think we'll have to change Hail to the Chief to Yakety Sax.
• New York's Attorney General told Trump to give up $365 million in 30 days or she'll seize his buildings, but he can't use New York banks. Mar-a-Lago is worth over a billion. That's why Tom Selleck was in Palm Beach Friday assuring Trump that with a reverse home mortgage, he will never have to leave his house. Senator Ted Cruz demanded that Washington, D.C., lawmakers receive security escorts. You can imagine the confusion on Capitol Hill. Congressman and adulterer Jeff Duncan immediately asked the Sergeant at Arms for a 21-year-old escort, and the next day a 2003 Ford was sitting in his driveway.
• Runner's World published an article on Wednesday listing the mental health benefits of jogging free of all social media and music devices in order to facilitate deeper meditation. I'm a runner but I'm definitely slowing down with age. Last night I was jogging on Sunset and I got arrested for loitering.
• The NFL reported its most successful season in ticket sales, merchandise sales and TV ratings in 2023-24. Now comes the fun part. This week in Palm Beach, three-time Super Bowl winning cornerback Tim McKyer was arrested on five counts of hit-and-run, marking the official start of the NFL off-season.
• Boeing had another scare Friday when a 757 wing began crumbling on a United flight forcing an emergency landing. This week Boeing fired the head of its 737 program. They told him he could keep his job if he agreed to sit next to the emergency exit, and whoosh, just like that, he was out the door.
• The Border Patrol reports a big increase in the number of Chinese migrants slipping across the U.S. border. One benefit of this migration is the Chinese bring along China's cultural wisdom to add to our own. For instance, whoever said that one person can't change the world never undercooked a bat.
• Travis Kelce flew to Australia to watch Taylor Swift perform four shows. He had a delay before being admitted into the country at Sydney Airport. Travis had no criminal record to report, but he revealed he'd been kicked out of pre-school for rough-housing, and that was close enough for Australia.
• National Geographic aired footage of the Killer Octopus that lurks off the coast of Australia. To mate, the male octopus rips off his penis and tosses it to the female octopus, so she can inseminate herself, while he grows a completely new penis. It's nature's way of telling someone to go screw yourself.
• The New York Post says New York state is giving illegal migrants debit cards with ten thousand dollars on them. The Manhattan hotels where they're staying are being fully reimbursed by Albany. In order to afford this the state has to track down a new billionaire every week and fine him $365 million.
• New York Judge Arthur Engeron slapped Trump with a $365 million fine for a overstating his property value to get a loan he paid back anyway. The judge then added he may not raise the money from any New York bank. I admit that's a lot more creative than sending Trump to a gulag above the Arctic Circle.
• Donald Trump admitted on Fox News he's being hounded daily by New York Attorney General Letitia James and Atlanta DA Fani Willis and the Women of the View. There is hope. This month we celebrate the three days when the man is always right--February 29th, February 30th and February 31st.
• President Biden was in L.A. for fundraisers Wednesday and took a trip to South Central for lunch at a popular eatery CJ's. He had a great time with the staff and took photos with the customers. Joe ordered the six-dollar breakfast burrito, and trust me, that's the cheapest gas you can get in Los Angeles.
• President Biden promised the owners of CJ's restaurant Wednesday he will be back next trip to L.A. It's one of the old fashioned diners in South Central where black folks and Mexican-Americans sit around and reminisce about the neighborhood before the Chinese and Venezuelans moved in this month.
• President Biden canceled student loan debt, having forgotten the Supreme Court struck down this power, but it'll take weeks to re-review. Joe's making diminished capacity work FOR him. He's giving everyone a million dollars a week before Election Day and the Supreme Court will never get to it on time.
• HBO's John Oliver offered to buy Justice Clarence Thomas by giving him a million dollars a year if he'll step down. I doubt if this passes legal muster. The Supreme Court hasn't issued a ruling on slavery since they returned Dred Scott to Missouri in 1856, and they'd really like to make up for that one.
• The CPI reports car insurance is up 20% the last three years, but I've figured a way around it by using switching bonuses. I'm going to switch from Geico to Allstate, and then switch from Allstate to State Farm, then from State Farm back to Geico. If my calculations are correct they should owe me $933.
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