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• Nikki Haley campaigned in South Carolina Tuesday saying both Biden and Trump are too old to be the president. You want a president who is focused and not distracted because there are two buttons on a president's desk in the Oval Office. One is marked Lunch and the other is marked Launch.
• Fox News reported a package containing white powder was mailed to Speaker Mike Johnson's church in Louisiana where his wife works. Quick reaction time is vital. If residents of Beverly Hills receive any suspicious white powder in the mail, we inject it immediately into a wrinkle to see if it helps.
• Atlanta DA Fani Willis testified defiantly about her workplace affair with a lawyer she hired to help probe Trump and denied all wrongdoing Friday. That afternoon, she showed up to testify on the witness stand with her dress on backwards. She'd probably just emerged from a noonday conference.
• NBA legend Charles Barkley criticized San Francisco residents for allowing such a stunningly beautiful city as theirs to fall into such squalor and filthy decay. I was in San Francisco recently and I agree. It is weird watching dogs following the homeless around collecting their poop on the sidewalk.
• Madonna fell off a chair and tumbled to the floor while performing in Seattle Monday. She fell off the chair, rolled across the stage, then leaped to her feet and kept performing without missing a beat. It got such a huge cheer from the crowd that I think Joe Biden should start working with a chair.
• President Biden flew to San Francisco for a fundraiser Tuesday and gave speeches in Palo Alto Wednesday and in Beverly Hills today. The timing is perfect. The U.S. is trying to avoid a war with Iran and President Biden's speech in Beverly Hills gives Joe a chance to speak directly to the Iranian people.
• Donald Trump had a town hall in South Carolina Tuesday and he seemed unfazed by the $365 million he was just fined. Trump knows he can make a deal for $365 million any day. If Biden can spend his presidential weekends at the beach, Trump can spend his playing golf on the Saudi LIV Tour.
• Donald Trump launched a limited edition of 1,000 gold Trump Sneakers for $399 Saturday. By Tuesday the buyers were selling them on eBay for six thousand to seven thousand dollars a pair. Any movie star who wears them to the Oscars is guaranteed the first spot in next year's In Memoriam section.
• The White House is plotting a student loan forgiveness program around the Supreme Court's ruling striking down a president's power to issue a blanket forgiveness. Where was Joe when I needed him? My parents put me through college, but it took me forty years to pay off my campus bar tab.
• The Global Vaccine Data Network announced the results of a heart study of ninety-nine million people in eight countries who took the Covid vaccine and found it increased the risk of myocarditis. The flag is up. It appears that Taylor Swift is in a race with Pfizer to see who breaks Travis Kelce's heart first.
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