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• CBS disclosed that Super Bowl ad time is sold out at a rate of seven million dollars for a thirty-second commercial. It was announced Thursday that the beloved Clydesdales will be returning to Super Bowl commercials for Bud Light. However they will be played by Iguanas that identify as horses.
• South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem warned Thursday that Mexican drug cartels have set up shop on the nine tribal reservations in her state. That's out of her jurisdiction. If the Sioux were on the warpath today, they'd charge over the hill and kill Custer by selling him some really bad Fentanyl.
• Trans Ocean reported they've located the airplane flown by the legendary pilot Amelia Earhart that crashed in 1937 and sank to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. I think we all know what happens next. My condolences to the families of the billionaires who will die on an excursion to see the wreckage.
• Vogue says fashion houses will offer red-hot vintage clothing lines from the past in 2024. Hide your eyes. Baby Boomers can't believe we wore bell bottoms, Gen Xers can't believe they wore cargo pants, Millennials can't believe they wore skinny jeans and Gen Z can't believe they cut off their penises.
• Joe Lieberman founded the No Labels party to give voters a choice, which inspired me to act. I've formed the Reversion to the British Crown Party and if you vote for me for Viceroy, I promise to cut taxes, eliminate speed bumps on the road, plug the border and ban Taylor Swift from all NFL games.
• Punxsutawney Phil made his annual appearance on Groundhog Day to predict the remaining winter Friday. Only this year he had a little competition in the nation's capital. At the White House, Joe Biden came outside Friday morning and saw his shadow, and that means six more weeks of comedy.
• Las Vegas is going all out to entertain hundreds of thousands of visitors for the city's first Super Bowl. For any of my newspaper readers who are planning to go to Sin City for the Super Bowl, I can assure you that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. If you don't believe me, you can ask O.J. Simpson.
• The Los Angeles Times announced massive newsroom layoffs Friday. Progressive newspapers are bleeding money. I fear that all the unemployed L.A. Times reporters will start working at Starbucks where they will not only get my name and order wrong, they will also write the name Racist on every cup.
• The White House demanded Texas take down its concertina wire blocking the border and Texas refused Wednesday. It looks like the University of Texas in Austin took down their four Confederate statues too soon last year. Adding insult to injury the statues signed letters of intent to play at Oklahoma.
• Alec Baldwin pleaded not guilty to involuntary manslaughter Wednesday in the shooting of his cinematographer. It's the second time he's been charged. This means Alec still needs eighty-nine more criminal charges if he wants to do his Donald Trump impression on Saturday Night Live, and do it right.
• Tara Reade filed a ten million dollar lawsuit against the FBI claiming they conducted a secret campaign to undercut her claim Biden sexually assaulted her in 1993. She said he pinned her against his office wall, and inserted his middle two fingers in her. In fairness to Joe, he thought he was bowling.
• President Biden will visit East Palestine, Ohio, a year after a Norfolk Southern derailment. It spilled chemicals into the town's ground water supply. President Biden says he favors a two state solution that will give East Palestine to the Palestinians while West Palestine remains the State of Israel.
• President Biden remained mum Wednesday about his plans to respond to attacks on U.S. outposts by Iranian-backed groups. They may have to take a number and wait their turn. With a war with Russia, cyber-war with China, and a civil war with Texas, Joe couldn't possibly fit them in until Tuesday.
• Donald Trump and Nikki Haley took their GOP campaigns to South Carolina after Iowa and New Hampshire thinned out the field. It happens every four years. Iowans are always sad to see the candidates pack up and leave, because now they've got to go back to fertilizing the crops themselves.
• Governor Ron DeSantis won a federal lawsuit Wednesday brought against him by Disney for rescinding Disney World's tax-exempt status in Florida. The park generally reflects the nation's mood. I went to Disney World last month and I noticed Mickey Mouse was wearing a Joe Biden watch.
• Donald Trump warned Teamsters Union leaders Wednesday that the open borders will destroy unions. They go way back together. Since the early 1970s, Trump has completed construction on buildings all over New York and New Jersey, and Jimmy Hoffa could be entombed in any one of them.
• Nikki Haley told NBC News her Indo-American heritage is a valuable asset as a U.S. president in the White House. You go with what you know. Trump vowed to make America great again, while Nikki Haley is making robo-calls expressing her sincere concern about the status of your car's warranty.
• Pizza Hut's culinary experts predict 2024 will be a year of spicy flavors and toppings along with thin crusts. Coincidentally last week a Pizza Hut in El Paso posted a door sign reading Closed Due to Unforeseen Circumcisions. It could be years before their customers order any pizza with anchovies on it.
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