February 23rd, 2024


Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Argus Hamilton

By Argus Hamilton

Published Feb. 1, 2024

Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report


Las Vegas will welcome thousands of football fans when Sin City hosts the Super Bowl. When I'm there, the city makes me feel like both Trump and Biden. I roll into Las Vegas bragging and swaggering like a big, wealthy high roller, and three days later, I can't remember where I parked my car.

The KC Chiefs drew millions of women viewers Sunday to see Taylor Swift watching. Showing up at the Super Bowl is a tough call because if she cancels her Tokyo Dome show the night before it will cost her 55,000 refunds. I think it's time for Taylor to decide if she's committed to the Chiefs or not.

CBS News cited a gambling website that's got Biden and Trump tied at forty-seven apiece. It's annoying to see them tear each other up on the campaign trail. Normally when you see a 78-year-old guy and an 81-year-old guy knocking the hell out of each other it's in the balcony of the Muppet Theater.

Alec Baldwin will be arraigned in the Rust movie-set shooting in New Mexico this week. A film crew normally adjusts quickly to accidents and continues production. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was originally intended to be a slapstick comedy until the director yelled Cut! at the end of the first scene.

The Weather Channel warned that El Nino's hammer storms known as the Pineapple Express are approaching California. The warm ocean-water generated system arrives every nine years giving climate change priests a chance to declare the sky is falling. Al Gore just changed his name to Al Nino.

President Biden was pulled both ways by Mideast experts Tuesday over whether to attack Iran for attacking U.S. outposts through intermediaries. If you want to live to be 100, I believe you have to treat every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.

White House spokesman Admiral John Kirby told reporters Tuesday the U.S. will strike back at Iran on our own schedule, not Iran's. We all hope the Iranians understand. Right now Biden has a war with Ukraine to finance and a war with Texas to lose, maybe we can pencil in Iran in a month or so.

Hezbollah leader Abu Hussein quickly stated Tuesday he'll no longer target the U.S. military after his drone strike killed three U.S. service personnel. Someone taught Abu the first rule of show business in the Middle East. One day you're all over the front page, and the next day you're all over the pavement.

United Parcel Service missed projected earnings forecasts Tuesday and UPS laid off twelve thousand employees. It wasn't all bad news for the industry. The Postal Service reported losing six and a half billion dollars last year, making it by far the most profitable branch of the U.S. government.

Reverend Jesse Jackson, civil rights icon and a 1988 Democratic presidential candidate, retired as head of the Rainbow Coalition. He's seen much progress in race relations. The bumper stickers for his 1988 presidential campaign read Run Jesse Run and in Alabama they put them on their front fender.

CBS reported its hit series Bluebloods must be taken off the air next year in a shortened season due to costs. The fragmented TV marketplace and spotty ad market is forcing TV to operate as cheaply as possible. I could tell when I looked at the fall schedule and I noticed Dogg the Aluminum Can Hunter.

Tesla stockholders were able to get a Delaware judge to hold up Elon Musk's fifty-six billion dollars pay at Tesla. His ingenuity and creativity has resulted in Tesla stock to increase tenfold in the last six years. If you miss 2 payments on his self-driving car, it drives itself back to the dealership.

Fox News says only four percent of marriages are between a Democrat and Republican. There is a middle way now. Musk just came up with a Cyborg brain chip and there's hope it could someday create a president who will cut taxes, eliminate all speed bumps, and ban Taylor Swift from NFL games.