Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Prescott Interior Designs of Atlanta told Yahoo News people should change their toilet seats every five years. It so happens that last month I had my place remodeled and, just for fun, I named my new toilet Jim instead of John. People are very impressed now when I tell them I go to the Jim every morning.

• The Weather Channel issued the first blizzard warning for Los Angeles County Saturday. We had flooding and mudslides, and the rains provide hillside brush for the summer wildfires that take your mind off the next earthquake. Living in L.A. is like being married to a beautiful woman who's always sick.

• Random House announced Roald Dahl's children's books will not be edited to take out offensive words for the sake of inclusion. Just leave the classics alone. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was about to be re-titled Charlie Who Identifies as Charlene and the Non-White Candy of Color Sweatshop.

• Scott Adams' Dilbert was dropped by newspapers in L.A. and New York and Chicago Friday over his suggesting that races avoid each other. And they are three of our most racially segregated cities. Americans are the world's best at solving the Rubik's Cube because we are so good at separating colors.

• Dilbert creator Scott Adams called out reverse racism by calling black people a hate group and urging whites to stay away from blacks. He was reacting to a poll saying 50% of blacks say it's not okay to be white. Blacks and whites have a hard time getting along in L.A. because neither one of us speaks Spanish.

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• Cocaine Bear was released Friday to rave reviews even from the New York Times. In real life the bear ended up stuffed on the wall of a Kentucky novelty store. I hope that all the coke-addicted bears can see Cocaine Bear and decide to get the help they need, and not just make a note to watch it every Christmas.

• Ohio Governor Mike DeWine declared Friday that the drinking water in East Palestine is safe to drink. Maybe the chemicals will set you free. The spill includes some of the chemicals that are in mosquito repellents, which can give you hallucinations. I know this because a mosquito told me about it.

• President Biden told ABC News Friday he has no plans to visit the toxic chemical site in Palestine, Ohio. It has everyone guessing reasons why the president won't show up. I think that the real reason Biden does not want to visit Palestine is because he doesn't want to feel obliged to visit Israel afterwards.

• Jill Biden told a TV interviewer in Kenya that President Biden's announcement for presidential re-election should be coming very soon, and the First Lady added that it's only a matter of time and place when he announces. Everybody who cares for Joe hopes he can run. We know he can't walk.

• The California Lottery revealed the two billion dollar winner of November's Powerball Lottery drawing as Edwin Castro, who took the cash with taxes taken out. He's not by far the world's luckiest player. Last week a comedian named President Zelensky won the lottery for the fourteenth straight time.

• President Zelensky addressed the people of Ukraine on the one-year anniversary of the Russian invasion to reclaim former Russian territory in the Don River Basin. Zelensky became a well known comedian before he was elected the president of his country. In America we do it the other way around.

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