Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

The Hollywood Reporter says that Pamela Anderson is following up on her recent autobiography and Netflix memoir by starring in a new cooking show called Cooking with Love, which will be a plant-based cooking show for vegans. I think it's disgusting how vegans still drink water. That was a fish's home.

• The National Retail Federation reported that Americans spent twelve billion dollars on gifts and flowers and candy and dinners celebrating Valentine's Day. And just my luck, the girl that I now love lives in Canada. So I sent her a balloon bouquet but President Biden shot it down over Lake Huron.

• The Pentagon said it's not ruling out any possibilities as to the identities of the objects they shot down. If they are UFOs manned by extraterrestrials they shouldn't be surprised their spaceships are being fired on. The entire universe should know by now that Biden only accepts aliens from Mexico.

• The White House press secretary assured reporters that the mysterious objects shot down over Canada posed no threat to the U.S. Congress was told the same thing. If you believe administration assurances that there is nothing to worry about, that's exactly what the space aliens want you to believe.

• Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg ignored a toxic Ohio train crash for eleven days. He has overseen a supply chain crisis, airport chaos, now a chemical train wreck resulting in dead fish.The good news is Ford just created a car that runs on water but it only runs on water from the Ohio River.

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• President Biden yielded to pressure today and underwent his long-overdue presidential physical examination at Walter Reed Hospital in Washington, D.C. If you've been following the news, there were no surprises. The examining doctor found more classified documents during a routine colonoscopy.

• President Biden flies to Poland Monday to mark one year since Russians invaded Ukraine. Last year Zelensky closed rival newspapers, shut down rival parties and banned the Russian Orthodox Church, and so Biden sent him $50 billion to protect democracy. It's why Polish people tell Biden jokes.

• Nikki Haley announced on Tuesday she's running for the GOP nomination for president. She thinks we're tired of Baby Boomers and even older War Babies like Biden in the White House. It's widely believed that it's time for the next generation to step up and get nothing done in Washington.

• Politico attacked Nikki Haley Tuesday, saying the Indo-American used the race issue by presenting herself as a Punjabi Sikh on one hand and a white conservative on the other. As an Indian she has one selling point. If America's broken by 2024 and Nikki is elected president, tech support will be a local call.

• The Democratic National Committee held its meeting in Philadelphia where delegates from all fifty states received their 2024 election marching orders regarding party issues, candidate recruitment and voter turnout. The DNC wants all cemetery gates banned by 2024. They insist it's voter suppression.

• Harry Potter author JK Rowling forced a transgender Twitter critic who'd called her a Nazi to publicly apologize under threat of a slander suit. The children in her books represented classic British values. If Harry Potter had been an American, he'd have used his wizard power for day trading.

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