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• The National Weather Service reported Thursday the Southern states are about to get hit by the coldest Polar Vortex in 15 years. The usual chaos ensued. Tens of thousands of illegals in the South self-deported when The Weather Channel en Espanol reported that an ice storm was coming their way.
• President Trump created an international Board of Peace on the last day of the World Economic Forum summit in Switzerland on Thursday. Trump said he talked Putin into joining the Board of Peace. Diplomatically this is the equivalent of Andy Dick convincing Kiefer Sutherland he needs help.
• President Trump told Davos it weren't for the U.S. in World War II everyone in Europe would be speaking German. The German Army lost to the U.S., UK and Russia but are still ranked #1 based on strength of schedule. Last week Germany sent 13 soldiers to Greenland and we called off the invasion.
• President Trump announced he reached a framework of a deal with NATO for the U.S. to have military control over Greenland. The headwinds of reality frustrated his military options. Western Europe stood by its policy and refused to allow Trump to invade Greenland unless he converted to Islam.
• Vice President JD Vance arrived in Minneapolis Thursday to try to calm the city. Sociologists are arriving there along with the ICE agents and fraud investigators. The sociologists' first study of 100 women in Minnesota over 40 found that a short bad haircut causes you to become fat and angry.
• Vice President JD Vance held a press briefing in Minneapolis and thanked the legal members of the city's immigrant community to help identify and locate the illegal migrant criminals. Even if the local police wouldn't help or couldn't help, the legal migrants did. It takes Juan to know Juan.
• Kamala Harris bought a 4-bedroom home on Malibu Beach for $8 million. All part of the city master plan. The reason the Mayor's office has dragged their feet on rebuilding Malibu's burned down homes is so they can build affordable housing units where minorities can live for only $8 million.
• California's legislature produced a bill to try to stop drunk driving by requiring cars to have ignition locks connected to a steering wheel breathalyzer test a driver must pass before starting the car. The roadside sobriety test in West Hollywood is getting ridiculous. Last night, I had to fold a fitted sheet.
• President Trump's acceptance of the Venezuelan woman's peace prize only added more gold decor to the Oval Office. Preservationists are still upset about Trump tearing down the East Wing to build a ballroom. Trump will become the first president in history not to get his security deposit back.
• Bernie Sanders ripped the media for focusing on issues that concern the wealthy at the expense of issues that concern working people. He has a point. Last week, media coverage centered on the annual gathering of the world's most watched billionaires, when the Dodgers reported for spring training.
• Major League Baseball opened spring training camps in Arizona and Florida with many home city fans traveling south to enjoy the games and the warm weather. It's a fan-friendly environment. The San Francisco Giants will host LGBTQ Night on the first reporting day of the pitchers and catchers.
• Hell's Kitchen host Gordon Ramsey announced plans to star in a Netflix reality series. He will help launch successful restaurants with his dictatorial kitchen coaching. I know I'd be a lot funnier if I had Gordon Ramsey sitting on the front row, yelling at me to punch it up, at least until security arrived.
• The Miami Hurricanes continued to make news Wednesday when it was acknowledged that QB Carson Beck's co-ed girlfriend frequently shown on TV during the game is the porn actress Abella Danger. It must be dangerous for him to date an adult film star. There are so many jealous step-brothers.
• Upland Brewery awarded Indiana Coach Steve Cignetti a lifetime of free beer for winning the national championship for the Indiana Hoosiers. A lifetime supply of anything if you pull off a win is a novel incentive. Bill Belichick just offered to coach the Pfizer Blue Pills for a lifetime supply of Viagra.
• The National Football League playoff games smashed TV ratings records for the most watched divisional championship playoff game viewers. I can't fully enjoy the playoffs because one thought keeps nagging me about my team. Since 1997, Jennifer Lopez has 6 more rings than the Dallas Cowboys.
• The Weather Channel reported an unprecedented winter storm swept the South Wednesday. It caused freeway pileups and power outages and general panic. I'll always believe that one morning in 1865, Southerners woke up to see an inch of snow on the ground and we lost our minds and surrendered.
• USA Today reported Friday that the Sage of Omaha, the legendary Wall Street investor Warren Buffett, announced his retirement. He's ending his investment career at age 95 with $165 billion in the bank. Warren Buffett reportedly wants to retire to an island, and he's heard Greenland is up for sale.
• President Trump gave a speech to the World Economic Forum meeting in Davos, Switzerland, Wednesday. He always begins by addressing the host country. Starting his speech with his trademark insult humor, Trump pointed out that the blonde woman on the Swiss Miss cookie logo is just a 5 at best.
• President Trump declared a framework for a future deal on Greenland has been reached and called off plans to invade and slap tariffs on Europe, confirming New York gossip about Trump during his bachelor days in the '70s. They were right. There's nothing Trump won't do to get his next Piece of Ice.
• President Trump says Greenland is needed to shoot down Russian ICBM missiles coming over the North Pole. Putin claims his new hypersonic missile travels so fast it can get to Los Angeles from Russia in only forty minutes. Hell that's faster than it takes a car to get to Los Angeles from Los Angeles.
• Euro leaders hit back at Trump over his grab for Greenland Tuesday and threatened to withdraw their national soccer teams from the World Cup held in the U.S. this year. We see the sport 2 different ways. In Europe, soccer is referred to as football, while in America soccer is referred to as gay football.
• President Trump in Davos cited the Somali fraud cases in Minnesota to warn against accepting migration from what he called failed states. Trump slammed the native Somali culture in East Africa as a culture of piracy. If that's true, then Congresswoman Ilhan Omar's brother definitely got that booty.
• The DOJ launched a probe into the Minneapolis anti-ICE protestors for disrupting a church service Sunday. The anti-ICE protestors called for all restaurants in Minneapolis to be shut down Friday in solidarity with the protest. This means fans of Somali food will have to enjoy diarrhea at home.
• California Governor Newsom drew fire after a Q&A of likely 2028 Democrat candidates Friday when he side-stepped the issue of transgender rights. The Bud Lite trans-endorser Dylan Mulvaney is now playing Anne Boleyn on Broadway, which makes sense. They both end up with their heads cut off.
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