Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• The Pentagon reported that the U.S. Navy missile attack destroyed a speedboat laden with drugs heading up the Pacific from Colombia. However the war on cocaine may have gone a little overboard. Yesterday a cruise missile destroyed the Verizon headquarters for advertising 4 lines for $100.

• The Department of Justice did its best to comply with Congress and released 100,000 new FBI documents, photos and files on the Jeffrey Epstein underage sex case in Florida. The files are being closely monitored. Last week, 16 files were missing, but Prince Andrew swears they looked 21.

• President Trump expressed sympathy for Bill Clinton for photos in the Epstein files, noting that Epstein was always getting his picture taken at parties. Lawmakers are furious that 500 pages have been redacted. If the Epstein files were any more blacked out, Bill Cosby would try to have sex with them.

• The Department of Transportation reported that holiday airplane travel was badly interrupted due to blizzards coming off the Great Lakes into the Midwest. Airline flights backed up for hours. Blizzards completely shut down business in Chicago for hours, delaying hundreds of murders.

• President Trump met with Bibi Netanyahu in the White House to deliver a peace offer to Iran. The largest population of Persians outside of Iran lives in Los Angeles and the 3rd largest population of Jews outside of Israel live in Los Angeles and they never fight. They are all stuck in traffic.

• FBI agents swept into Minneapolis to begin investigating massive fraud by Somalis migrants who made off with billions from Covid, welfare and food program scams. I got scammed out of $50 when I ordered a DVD titled Tiger Woods's Favorite 18 Holes. The damned thing was about golf.

• The FBI launched a probe into how Minnesota's Medicaid claims for autism jumped 13,000% in 5 years while autism providers spiked in Somali communities. The scammers cast a wide net. This must be why my spam folder is full of e-mails from autistic Somali children promising to make me rich.

• Russia's Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov reported that Ukraine launched 91 drone missiles at Putin's country estate. Russia now occupies one-fifth of Ukraine. For all I know, Russian troops may stay a hundred miles inside Ukraine just to avoid having to live through another Russian winter.

• President Trump met Zelensky at Mar-a-Lago to try to settle the puzzling war between Ukraine and Russia, who are both white, Eastern Slavic and Orthodox Christian. Well, I can't judge. Every October Oklahoma and Texas drive 200 miles to the Cotton Bowl to hate each other for 4 quarters.

• The Vatican Christmas Eve Mass included an old recording of Bing Crosby singing The Little Drummer Boy. The song is insane. Mary, totally exhausted, has just given birth to Jesus, and finally put him to sleep, and she's approached by a kid who thinks what Mary really needs right now is a drum solo.

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