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• The New Hampshire primary is down to two candidates after Ron DeSantis quit and endorsed Trump Sunday. He had much better success as governor of Florida. De Santis was able to take on Mickey, but he has been stopped by Donald, who will be trying to take the White House back from Goofy.
• The National Football League playoffs drew big television ratings over the weekend for all three networks covering the games. The teams that got wiped out in the first round the week before have some consolation. Doritos just honored the Dallas Cowboys with a new flavored chip called Nacho Year.
• The Hollywood Reporter interviewed studio owners last week in a front page article addressing the alarming decline in public interest in the movies reflected by faltering box office totals. The good news is, it was announced last week that Alec Baldwin is shooting another movie. I hope he misses.
• The New York Post quoted medical researchers who said sex improves cognitive function as well as emotional health. I have to admit, for most women sex with a comedian can be too demanding. Who else expects applause afterwards, and if we don't get it, we blame the guy who was on before us.
• Pauly Shore stars as the fabulous fitness guru and 80s icon Richard Simmons in a ten-minute movie being pitched to the studios. His hilarious mimicry is legendarily fearless. Next Pauly will play Stephen Hawking in his effort to get Jeffrey Epstein to make Pedophile Island wheelchair accessible.
• The White House was reportedly tasked Friday to let the American people know how strong the economy is. My late father always told me to work hard until my bank balance looks like a phone number. He'd be so proud of me today, I called the bank this morning and my checking account is $9.11.
• The World Economic Forum in Davos proposed that nations implement stricter climate change rules. Greta Thunberg and Arnold Schwarzenegger posed outside together on bicycles. It was cool seeing the robot programmed to destroy humanity having its picture taken with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• Governor Ron De Santis dropped out of the GOP race after showing an admirable willingness to go anywhere to campaign for votes. I know from road comedy experience it's rough when you wind up in a town where the prestige hotel is Motel 7. And the motel marquee reads As Seen on COPS.
• New Hampshire voters go to the polls today and polls show Donald Trump the heavy favorite to win. Trump's campaign got a nice gift when South Carolina U.S. Senator Tim Scott endorsed him Friday. It didn't take MSNBC five minutes to allege that Trump offered him forty acres and a mule.
• President Biden was urged to take action against Iran by Capitol Hill hawks due to all the rocket attacks on U.S. bases in Iraq and allied shipping in the Red Sea. They do seem to be asking for it. Iran wouldn't be the first U.S. adversary to discover that the dildo of consequences seldom arrives lubed.
• Jill Biden set out on the campaign trail in western states last week to promote Joe's re-election Friday and spoke at a Utah high school. In further proof that in the Biden Administration the jokes write themselves, the school's name was Hunter High. What's the school mascot, the Fighting Laptops?
• Kamala Harris went on ABC's Women of the View Friday to try to help reverse Trump's poll numbers showing him leading Biden. Her appearance prompted me to watch the View for the first time. My first impression is that I get the feeling Sunny's parents named her before they got to know her.
• The Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas showcased the latest in high tech gadgetry this past week. One entry will be electric powered shoes on wheels called Moon Walkers that allow you to roll everywhere much faster than by just walking. They would be difficult on grass, or any other drug.
• Donald Trump addressed a crowd in New Hampshire Tuesday accompanied onstage by his new supporter Vivek Ramaswamy. After the Iowa caucus results Vivek withdrew from the race and endorsed Trump for president. In return, Trump promised to name Vivek Ramaswamy the Secretary of 7-Elevens.
• NBC says the Texas Nationalist Movement presented 140,000 signatures in an attempt to push Texas independence. It was really two states when I was a kid. My SMU alum father always told me an atheist is any Texan who watches Southern Methodist play Baylor Baptist and doesn't care who wins.
• Review Scout rated Dynamic Brain the best supplement pill to increase brain focus as well as memory. I'm exhibit A. At Mel's Diner on the Sunset Strip last week, I tried to give a really cute waitress my number by writing it on my credit card slip, and it turned out I tipped her $132,355,562.25.
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