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“When the water in the skin was consumed, she cast the lad beneath one of the trees. She went and sat herself down at a distance . . . for she said, 'Let me not see the death of the child.'”
— Genesis 21:15
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski, M.D. (d. 2021) was a psychiatrist and ordained rabbi. He is the founder of the Gateway Rehabilitation Center in Pittsburgh, a leading center for addiction treatment. An Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, he was a prolific author, with some 90 books to his credit, including, "Twerski on Chumash" (Bible), from which this was excerpted (Sales of this book help fund JWR).
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This episode of Hagar and Ishmael arouses some very distressing feelings.
As Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch (d. 1888) says:
''Hagar's whole behavior is extremely characteristic and reveals the
shortcoming, the imperfection, of the Hamitic character. A Jewish mother would not have forsaken her child, even if all she could do would be to try to pacify him, even if it were only to soothe him for the millionth part of a second. To go away, just because 'one cannot bear to see the misery' is not sympathetic feeling for another but is the cruel egoism of a human nature which is still crude. In truly humane people, the feelings of duty master the strongest emotions, make one forget one's own painful feelings and give helpful assistance even if one can do no more than provide the comfort of one's caring presence.''
One aspect of parental love is self-love, because our children are extensions of
ourselves. Rabbi Hirsch makes an extremely important point when he says, ''The feelings of duty master the strongest emotions, make one forget one's own painful feelings.''
In addition to loving children, parents have a duty to them. Children did not
ask to be brought into the world, and parents have an obligation to provide the
child with the means to achieve success and happiness. While we cannot give our
children happiness, we are duty-bound to do whatever we can to enable them to
find happiness. It is often stated that one of the ''inalienable rights of man'' is the pursuit of happiness. Modern western civilization seems to have interpreted this to mean
pursuit of pleasure, as though pleasure and happiness were synonymous. There
are many ways in which we can give our children pleasure, by giving them age-appropriate things.
But happiness consists of spiritual fulfillment as well as fulfillment
of one's basic physical needs. By providing children with a proper Torah
education and modeling spirituality for them, parents can give their children the
ingredients from which they can fashion happiness.
Sometimes parents may object to their child's choice of a spouse because it is
indeed a poor choice, but the child's passion blinds him to what the parents
discern. But there are also instances when the child's choice is in fact good, and
the parents object because they feel that the other family is beneath them or follow
traditions that differ from theirs. Parents must be careful not to put their needs
above those of their child.
Some young people unfortunately behave in a self-destructive manner. Typical
of this is the youngster who uses drugs. Distraught parents want to help their child.
However, I have seen cases where the parents did not do their utmost to help their
child, because to do so would expose that there is a problem in the family that
would reflect negatively on them. In order for a youngster to have the maximum
benefit from drug treatment it is crucial that parents participate in a parent-support
group. Yet some parents have refused such participation for fear that this may
reveal that they have a drug-addicted child. Too many cases of drug use go untreated
because parents do not wish to confront the problem.
I believe that parents have every right to protect their reputation. However, when
this conflicts with what is best for the child, ''the feelings of duty should master the
strongest emotions, and should make one set aside one's own painful feelings.''
The Torah is a guide book rather than a history book. The episode of Hagar and
Ishmael is not merely a narrative but rather a lesson to be taken to heart.