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Jewish World Review Feb. 27, 2003 / 25 Adar I, 5763

Michelle Kennedy

Michelle Kennedy
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Consumer Reports


More children equals wiser parent


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | I remember walking through the grocery not long after I moved away from home. With $50 in my pocket I was positively rich and proceeded to purchase only the best of the best ... you know, only Skippy Peanut Butter and Campbell's soup. Fifty dollars would be enough food to last me three weeks!

Gone were the days when I would have to travel to the market with my mother, who was shopping for five, and compare the prices of generic Toasty O's versus my favorite $4.50-per-box Lucky Charms. I ate a lot of Toasty O's as a kid.

Then I started shopping for three (a husband and a child had come into my life) and I soon started buying generic peanut butter so that I could afford organic baby food. My $50 was no longer burning a hole in my pocket and I tried desperately to hang on to it as I spent at least that much in a week! Where did my mother find the Toasty O's?

In the wake of a new baby with another on the way, I was determined to provide the best nutrition and most natural atmosphere available for my children and their pregnant mom. I bought only whole-grain bread, or baked it myself. I bought certified organic fruits and vegetables, at about $1 more per pound than 'normal' (read: pesticide-laden) ones. I bought cloth diapers (and then a washer and dryer). The cloth diapers were the only place I saved any money at all.

My shopping total had rapidly increased, but I wrote it off as providing the best for my wee ones. And besides, it's not like with two little ones I was going to many movies.

My mother used to joke that I hadn't seen a piece of candy until I was nearly 5, but once my sisters came along, they practically had candy in their baby food. I naively thought my children would be eating organic salads until they went to high school. They, too, had only had carob chip cookies before the age of 5 and I diligently washed every organic item that went into their over-protected mouths. We won't even discuss the thousands of dollars I invested in antibacterial soap so that no one could touch my children uncleansed.

Then I had my third child. And then my fourth. And you know what I found out? If you wash them really well, regular apples can be had pretty cheap and lollipops from the lady at the bank can keep a foursome quiet for almost five - count them, five - whole minutes.

I also discovered that Ivory soap costs only 50 cents a bar and cleans hands just as well as the antibacterial formula. This discovery was accompanied by the fact that even if you wash your hands with antibacterial soap before touching your child, if you take them to the playground, they'll still get sick.

Investing a fortune in 'all-natural" wooden toys has netted me much less than I anticipated as a new mom. My arrogance back then shocks me even now. I would look disdainfully upon the mothers pushing strollers in the mail, filled with children sucking on noisy plastic toys.

"How could they let their children play with those chemical-laced plastics?" I would think. "How irresponsible!" I would huff as I leaned over to pick up the wooden duck my 2-year-old had thrown out of his stroller for the 30th time. (I later learned this is the international sign for 'Get me a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll," but I didn't know that then.)

My children never watched TV They didn't know who Blue was until a weekend at the home of my parents, who had cable TV, corrupted them forever.

I can look back on this version of myself and laugh - much the same way that I laugh at the college kids who present the "bad holiday toys" every year - the toys that are deemed too noisy, or possible choking hazards. It's so obvious these people don't have children. They give us the same look I used to give those other parents. The disdainful, "How could you give that to your children?" look. Don't they know that the only toys grandparents buy for children are the noisy ones? Don't they know that parents conveniently forget to buy batteries for a reason? As for the choking hazards - dangerous, true - but on the other hand, a kid will find almost anything to choke on: a pinecone out in the yard, a magnet off the fridge, you name it, kids will try and eat it.

I've learned many things in my years as a mom and some of these wise words I have passed on to my children: "No," "Don't eat the yellow snow," "No," "Don't put that bean up your nose," "No," "Don't put that in your mouth," and "No."

Those are just a few of my favorites. I've also learned that Sponge Bob Square Pants is funny, noisy toys are best when given to other people's children, and that cookies taste better with real chocolate chips. My bank account isn't any fuller because I know this now, but my life is a lot more fun.

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JWR contributor Michelle Kennedy is the mother of four, a humor columnist for the Green Bay Press Gazette and author of The Last Straw Strategies, four books full of tips to tell you how real moms and dads deal with the best and worst of parenting. Comment by clicking here.

Up

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01/27/03: Do you know who you are?
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05/09/02: "Shut up!" "Stop shoving!" … it's Mother's Day
04/18/02: Yes, They're All Mine!
03/25/02: Thrust into a Barbie dreamland
02/01/02: Shooting the 'surplus population'
12/20/01: Zen and the Art of Clutter
12/14/01: Confessions of a serial library fine payer
12/06/01: Too good at my job, I quit

© 2001, Michelle Kennedy