Big Brother to motorists: No smiling

"We are not amused," Queen Victoria reportedly said when one of her equerries told a faintly naughty story during a dinner at Windsor Castle. There are other versions of the incident. Some say the queen's chilly rebuke was directed at a group of laughing ladies-in-waiting. Others say she was addressing a courtier who was involved with her daughter Louise.

Which brings me to the Federal Highway Administration and its attempt, in the spirit of the monarch for whom the Victorian Era is named, to see to it that Americans on the road don't find themselves more amused than our regulatory overlords deem acceptable.

The FHA recently released the 11th edition of its Manual on Uniform Traffic Control Devices for Streets and Highways. The publication, which clocks in at 1,161 pages, decrees that electronic signs on highways may no longer be funny, quirky, or clever. An Associated Press story provides examples of the kinds of messages Uncle Sam frowns on:

"States around the country have used quirky messaging to draw the attention of drivers. Among them: 'Use Yah Blinkah' in Massachusetts; 'Visiting in-laws? Slow down, get there late,' from Ohio; 'Don't drive Star Spangled Hammered,' from Pennsylvania; 'Hocus pocus, drive with focus' from New Jersey; and 'Hands on the wheel, not your meal' from Arizona."

Earlier this month, The Wall Street Journal rounded up more illustrations. The Maine Department of Transportation had a Christmastime message for any driver with a lead foot: "Santa Sees You When You're Speeding." Wisconsin reminded motorists to stay to the right with a sign announcing "Camp in the Woods, Not the Left Lane." Another New Jersey messaging screen put it bluntly: "Reckless Drivers Are Worse Than Fruitcake." There was even blunter advice on Utah highway signs: "Get Your Head Out of Your Apps." And from Ohio's Department of Transportation, something truly hard-hitting: "Buckle Up — Windshields Hurt."

All this leaves the FHA unamused. On Page 519 of its new manual, it lays down an unsmiling directive:

"Messages with obscure or secondary meanings, such as those with popular culture references, unconventional sign legend syntax, or that are intended to be humorous, should not be used as they might be misunderstood or understood only by a limited segment of road users and require greater time to process and understand. Similarly, slogan-type messages and the display of statistical information should not be used."

Heavens, no. Messages "intended to be humorous"? We can't have that. Motorists might laugh, and then where would we be?

When Massachusetts highway signs started flashing "Use Yah Blinkah" in 2014, a Boston Globe editorial pronounced it "wicked good safety advice" and suggested that other states ought to "use humor to get a serious point across." Lots of states did. (Globe editorial gets results!) But the federal regulatory behemoth can't just leave it at that. To the bureaucratic blob in Washington, allowing a measure of fun to intrude on highway driving would be anathema. So there will be no unauthorized chuckling behind the wheel.

Unless, of course, some states decide to ignore Washington's dopey edict. How about it, Massachusetts? Fight for your right to be whimsical. Tell the FHA where to get off. Channel the spirit of your revolutionary forbears and let the feds know they can unplug "Use Yah Blinkah" when they pry it from your cold, dead hands.

Jeff Jacoby is a columnist for The Boston Globe, from which this is reprinted with permission."