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Jewish World Review /Feb. 12, 1999 /26 Shevat, 5759
Dr. Laura
Overcoming selfishness leads us closer to human potential
(JWR) --- (http://www.jewishworldreview.com) SUZANNE, A RECENT CALLER TO MY RADIO PROGRAM, was struggling. It seems her
husband of seven years had a daughter when he was a teen-ager. Because of a
horrible relationship with the mother, he is virtually a stranger to his own
child. The girl's mother, who led a bad life of drugs and multiple
relationships, discarded her daughter at an aunt's home. Now the aunt wants to
live her own life and has tossed the girl out. This young woman has asked her
"father" if she can come and live with him until she gets a foothold in life.
Suzanne is struggling with issues of her own infertility, "sibling"
jealousy, resentment about giving up her privacy and anger about the change. She
doesn't want the girl there and rationalized it by saying, "She is 18. She
should be on her own. All my friends agree with me."
I didn't. I said she was obligated to the stranger (her husband's daughter)
in spite of her desire for primacy in her husband's life and heart. Taking her
in was the right thing to do. Suzanne did agree with me that there is more
selfishness these days than there was 40 years ago, because values are less
G-d-centered, more self-centered.
Selfishness is natural to the human condition -- in fact to all of nature.
Regard for one's own welfare, advantage and best interests, in competition with
others, is part of our survival instinct. Survival requires that you and yours
have the resources you need to sustain yourselves. Any concern for other than
yourself and your kin is rational only if that "other" can benefit you. In other
words, kindness is meaningful only when it is directed toward those who, in some
way, can support your survival or enhance your pleasure.
Defying selfishness is a stretch and a strain. It means you have to imagine
that others are as important as you are. On what basis could strangers be seen
as important as "me and mine"? When you hear of some tragedy far from your turf,
do you react with the same horror as you would if it happened in your
neighborhood or your street? No, you don't.
Don't you react more emotionally to news of a plane crash when the victims
are citizens of your own country, state, city or ZIP code? It seems that the
natural tendency is to empathize more with those who are a close fit. The more
identification we have, the more emotion and caring we show.
Yet, our Declaration of Independence states that human beings are created
equal and that these equal beings have certain unalienable rights. The source of
both the beings and the rights is "the Creator." Throughout history with its
plethora of G-ds, the claim that "my G-d is bigger and badder than yours" was a
measure of importance and entitlement. With the acknowledgment of one G-d, "the
Creator," we fragmented tribes became one people.
But an idea, even one as powerful as monotheism, does not have the power to
dictate emotions, reactions and behavior. We humans vacillate moment by moment
between being complex organisms fighting for food, space, mates, dominance and
pleasure, and exercising the potential we have for mimicking the divine and
tempering these instincts with compassion, altruism, sacrifice and love of
justice. However, intelligence (one of our many blessings) can be readily, even
blindly, used to rationalize unjust behavior as "right" or "necessary." This, of
course, makes morality seem intangible.
Interestingly, a current Roper Survey of more than 3,000 students between
the ages of 12 and 19 asked them to identify the country's top societal woes
from a list of 15. The top choice, by 56 percent of the students, was
"selfishness." A third of those polled ranked "lack of morality/ethics" seventh.
Yet, only a standard of morality and ethics motivates people to be less selfish,
absent other compensation.
Consider the difference between the attitude of "What's in it for me?" and
"I'm compelled to do this because G-d, the ultimate authority, said it's right."
The former is selfish; the latter is morally superior. The former looks for
selfish gain; the latter recognizes a higher satisfaction.
In our quest for material gain and ego gratification, we have forsaken the
gains of the soul. These gains require us to accept that others are as important
as we are. When we do this, we evolve beyond our innate animal selves and become
truly
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