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Jewish World Review /Dec. 11, 1998 /22 Kislev, 5759
Dr. Laura
Spread righteousness by refusing to accept the 'code'
PERHAPS GANGSTER MOVIES are not the best place to learn to distinguish
between right and wrong. Nonetheless, there was always a "code" which, though
not precluding all sorts of mayhem and murder, did forbid "snitching." In fact,
tremendous sympathy was generated for even the worst of characters as long as
they stayed loyally silent. However, honor was not the main motivation for a
buttoned-up lip; assassination was the universally understood penalty for
talking.
We law-abiding types are supposed to operate on a more ethical plane. In
order to preserve freedom, truth and right, we are supposed to point the finger
at evildoers to protect their individual victims as well as society and
civilization as a whole. It would seem that it is human nature to avoid doing so
if it promises any discomfort, embarrassment or challenge.
Consider the incensed parent who called my syndicated radio program, angry
with his son for his misdeeds, but even more furious with the nonchalant
reaction of a number of other parents to the widespread problem of teen
drinking.
"At least my son 'fessed up to drinking at a friend's house. He will be
punished for drinking," the frustrated dad told me. "But the really upsetting
thing is that my son and three of his buddies were actually served liquor by one
of the boys' parents! When I called the folks of the two other boys, they said
that boys will be boys, and drinking is no big deal."
I asked about reporting this illegal activity (serving alcohol to a minor)
to the police for possible prosecution. The father told me that he tried that.
But as long as none of the children will testify to the truth, there was nothing
to be done legally. His son said he wouldn't "snitch on his buddies." This
father was frustrated by his son's distortion of loyalty and obligation to his
friends rather than a dedication to the principles of right and wrong.
The boy was afraid of losing his buddies and being disdained as a snitch. He
was choosing the moves of gangsters rather than holy men. Obviously, at 15, he
should know better. No doubt that the pull of peers is a powerful undertow, with
seductive promises of acceptance, status and identity. However, children need to
be taught from their earliest years that his same undertow sucks children into
the depths of alienation from family, values, a meaningful life and G-d.
That is exactly the conversation I had with a graduate student whose sister
attended the same Christian school as an undergraduate. One of her requirements
was to attend chapel for one-half hour each day. She didn't want to be bothered
and asked her brother to help her out by writing a note falsifying that she
would be working on an important project with him and couldn't attend chapel. In
fact, the "project" was a birthday present he was preparing for his mom --- and
the sister was not helping at all.
Since he was attending a Christian school, I asked him how he justified
"bearing false witness" and not being the proper spiritual role model for his
younger sister. He waffled all over the place in trying to answer, but the
bottom line was that she'd give him grief if he didn't. I upped the ante by
asking, "The threat of her annoyance was enough to have you turn your back and
walk away from G-d?" He haltingly said, "Yes." But I bet he's thinking more
about it.
Both the teen-ager with his drinking buddies and this young man with his
cheating sister are examples of how all of us sometimes choose to walk away from
what is right and righteous in order to be accepted and have nobody mad at us.
But ultimately, what peace is there in ethical chaos and loyalty to immorality?
Who then will protect us from victimhood if we all train each other to stay
comfortable?
I suggested to that father that he make his son's life very uncomfortable
(no electronic goodies, free time, socializing, family outings, etc.) as he
retrains him to have the courage to stand alone if necessary for what is right,
rather than bow to the idol of mob acceptance. That is, after all, the right
stuff of true heroes. I suggested to the graduate student that he sacrifice
immediate peace with his younger sister for the benefit of teaching her the
value of inner strength and discipline.
If each of us fails to act as though our individual, seemingly small acts of
righteousness matter, how will the Earth ever teem with