July 19th, 2018


Psst! Hillary Clinton is a woman! (In case you haven't noticed)

Dave Barry

By Dave Barry Miami Herald /(TNS)

Published July 28, 2016

PHILADELPHIA --- I just realized something. Follow me closely: Unless my research is incorrect - which is unlikely, since I didn't do any - if Hillary Clinton wins the election, she will be the first woman U.S. president ever! (Unless the rumors about Rutherford B. Hayes are true.)

So that would be pretty historic, right? Hillary Clinton possibly becoming the first woman president? It seems weird that you never hear anybody mention it.

Ha ha! I am engaging in sarcasm. It gets mentioned a LOT. The Democrats have instituted a strict rule for this convention whereby everybody who appears on the podium must make note of Hillary Clinton's gender, including the person singing the national anthem ("O say can you see / That Hillary is a woman"). It's as if they're afraid the voters might forget, when it's time to go to the polls. ("Wait, which gender is Hillary Clinton again?")

I was in the hall on the historic night when Clinton won her historic nomination via a historic roll call of the states, with the historic final delegate tally being 2,838 votes for Clinton, 1,843 votes for Bernie Sanders, and - in what observers viewed as further evidence that the Russians have hacked into the Democratic party's computers - 47,000 votes for Donald Trump. (Those votes were disqualified when it was determined that Trump is not a woman.)

The roll call is one of the more entertaining parts of the political conventions, because it's when the various delegations get a chance to tell the world what makes their states special ("...proud home of the world's largest free-standing fiberglass turnip..."). I thought the strongest showing at this convention came from the Delaware delegation, who proudly proclaimed (really) that they are "the state that brought you Kevlar, Nylon and Gore-Tex" as well as the home of "tax-free shopping" and "George 'Bad to the Bone' Thorogood and the Delaware Destroyers." They also mentioned Joe Biden.

I was disappointed in the delegation from my state, Florida; they settled for calling Florida "the great Sunshine State." Yawn. There is SO much more they could have said about what makes Florida special, such as:

"The state infested with Burmese pythons the length of a municipal bus."

"The state where anybody, regardless of race or religion or gender or physical disability such as being legally blind or deceased, can obtain a driver's license."

"The state that STILL doesn't know who it voted for in 2000."

I could go on and on, but you get my point: Florida needs to stand tall! While at the same time looking down for pythons.

Anyway, Hillary Clinton (who is a woman) will accept her nomination Thursday. It's bound to be a highly emotional moment when she concludes her speech, and her family and friends gather around her on the podium, and everybody looks up in wonderment to see, descending from the rafters, instead of the traditional balloon drop, the Giant Steel Net of Unity, which will descend on the pro-Sanders delegations at what convention organizers have promised is "probably a safe speed." Either way, it will be historic.

This will be my last report from Philadelphia. Overall I think the Democrats did a good job of organizing their convention. The main complaint I've heard is that they should have located it in a more convenient part of Philadelphia, specifically New York.

But the important thing is, both parties have officially nominated their candidates. Now it's time for you, the American voter, to listen to both sides, carefully weigh your options, and then, on Tuesday, Nov. 8, emigrate to Canada.

I'm kidding! Sort of. But whatever you decide, keep this thought in mind, as you ponder this historic election: "Rutherford B. Hayes" begins with "Ruth."

Dave Barry
Miami Herald

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