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Jewish World Review Nov. 30, 2004 / 17 Kislev 5765

Steve Young

Steve Young
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FOUND! The text of the speech President Bush wanted to give at Clinton library | Friends, distinguished guests, President and Mrs. Clinton, and those who I beat the hell out of in the last two elections. What a great pleasure to stand here on this special day in front of this double-wide you call a Presidential library — the only Presidential library that hands you a towel after touring through the eight years of your — interesting — term. I didn't know if I was supposed to use the towel to dry off the after the shower I needed going through all the slime you pulled the country through or it was for after the tour through the Monica Lewinsky, touch me wing. Just ribbin' ya, Billy-boy.

This beautiful building is one honkin' piece of work. Just like you. I especially liked the section that showcased how you took the opportunity to latch on to bin Laden. Heh-heh. I'm only kidding. I might be speakin' out of school here, but if Osama had a fat butt and a tight blue dress, I'm guessing you would have caught up with him faster than you could say, "No, that cigar over there." Or did I miss that? But I kid the former president.

Hey. Do I see John Kerry in the audience? Hiya, Johnny boy? Sorry about your little November mishap...about as sorry as I am about I am for hauling fifty million Iraqis into freedom. Think I made a mess of things? Why don't you try running a country for a couple minutes? Oh, I can't, 'cause you lost. So why don't you just take that big mouth, black widow you call a wife and kiss my derriere. Oh, I forgot. You can't. Your lips won't reach 'cause you're about four million votes behind my sweet-winning, presidential buttocks. I hear you're thinking of running again. Hey Jeb, get that? Might as well pack the wife and kids right now. I have an idea,, French-face...why don't you let Carville and McAuliffe handle things again, that way Jeb'll find out what it's like to win California.

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What are you laughin' at Gore? You couldn't even win an election with more votes than me. By the way...nice beard. I guess you thought no one would recognize your losin' behind . Well, it worked...especially in the electoral college.

But let's forget the last two elections. I won't, but it'll be healthier for the rest of the unemployed ex-senators named Daschle here to honor President Clinton. Hiya doin' Tommy. Hope you enjoy your retirement. I know I will.

Hey, Hillary. Still hangin' in there with Billy boy? I'll tellya, you're a better man than I. I'm just clowning around. You'll never be a better man than me. My gonads are bigger than yours...not much, but still. Hey, I kid the all the junior, carpet-bagging senators from New York. So, Hil, what do you think about Johnnie-boy running in '08 ? Oh, you're not worried? Y'wanna worry? Three words...Guil-li-anni. I see you're taking up the illegal immigration issue as part of your, "Yo, look, I'm really a Republican so vote for me," campaign. Hey, it worked for your hubbie.

But enough about the people that got me into office, we're here to honor a great American. Someone who was able to charm the pants off of the American voter. And if he couldn't charm 'em off, he would have the secret service guard the door while he ripped them off himself. I'm just playin' withya, Billy. I hope every American has a chance to visit this spectacular tribute to President Clinton. It tells a wonderful story. Y'know, like Alice in Wonderland. Wonderful, just not true...except for the part about the mad queen. But, I tellya.

Folks, this is one helluva monument. You can hardly see the military secrets we shared with the Chinese, Marc Rich's pardon or the hidden campaign expenses Mrs. Clinton can use until she actual declares. Some call it a Presidential library. I like to think of it as Hillary's personal 527.

But more important, this building is tribute to what someone can become growing up poor without a dad: A pandering President or an NBA superstar. It's all in the jump shot.

Well, I gotta go a be president, something most of you in the audience will never know. But, before I go, let me say that I think every American should take time to visit this incredible edifice of a library. Just don't try to take a book out, unless you're over eighteen and wearing sanitary gloves. You never know where they've been.

G-d bless you all and G-d bless America. I'm sorry. Can I say that? Well, just wait a few supreme justices, and you will. Good night.

— Tomorrow: Special Excerpt from George H's "Y'wanna mess with me, fine. But you dare mess with my kid I'll find ya. I swear, I will" speech.


JWR contributor Steve Young created for National Lampoon. Comment by clicking here.


© 2004, Steve Young