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Jewish World Review Sept. 2, 2004 / 16 Elul 5764

Steve Young

Steve Young
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Consumer Reports

(In) Direct From The Floor | 7:30 AM Monday, New York: Just got off the plane and made a bee-line to the historic Madison Square Garden. Truly excited about the being in the belly of the beast that is the Republican National Convention, surveying the American process and soon-to-be raging protests that should soon be...raging. Though early, I am surprised about how quiet it is here and that other than a single maintenance worker. But as any profound reporter and weatherman will tell you. It's always quietest before the storm.

7:35 AM Monday, New York: Talked to maintenance worker. Seems like the convention doesn't start until NEXT Monday. Must talk to Corey the MoveOnPlease convention coordinator when I get back. Have to figure out where I can crash till next Sunday.

10:30 AM Sunday, New York: It's the day before the actual convention but the protestors are in full tilt marching past Madison Square Garden with the most prominent placard being "Bush Must Go" followed closely by "Isaiah Thomas Must Go!" and "Knicks Stink!"

10:45AM Sunday: Spoke with protestors about whether they were pro- Kerry or just anti-Bush? 49% of those I asked said that it wasn't so much that they were "anti-Bush" as they were "anti the people who pro-Bush." 48% said they weren't "pro-Kerry" but felt that they were more "not anti-Kerry." The other 3% said they thought they had a great chance to score.

10:55 AM Sunday: Huge protestor float coming down the street heading straight for the Garden.

10:59 AM Sunday: Float a block away and... My bad. Michael Moore had got to go on a diet.

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11:15 AM Sunday, New York: Caught in the wave of "Braless Models Against George Bush" protestors.

3:12 PM Sunday, New York: Finally able to extricate myself from the BMAGB demonstrators.

3:30 PM Sunday, Coney Island: Needed a hot dog. Heading back to Manhattan.

4: 22 PM Sunday, New York: Big moment of the day was the fiery clash between protesters carrying placards reading: "Clinton's Lies Didn't Kill Anyone" with those holding signs reading: "Oh, Yeah. What About American Values?" Once again, no one paid attention to the protesters carrying the "Please Don't Read This Sign" signs.

8:15 PM Sunday, Hudson River: Finished up the day on Sean Hannity's personal Swift Boat piloted by John O'Neill. Fox political commentator, Dick Morris, falls into the water.

8:30 PM Sunday, Hudson River: Debate continues as to who should go in after Morris.

9:05 PM Sunday, Hudson River: People speak fondly of the late commentator's work.


10 AM Monday, New York: Convention officially begins. Had some trouble getting in to the Garden. Seems the secret service had a problem with some threatening letters I had sent to Nixon's cat. Geez. You would think people would stop talking about things that took place 35 years ago. With a list of speakers so seemingly Left of the Republican core bloc, there's a buzz going around that Al Gore will be speaking tonight.

10:30AM Monday, New York: Hey. Just saw a black guy. Wait. No. Just a well-tanned Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sorry

10:55 AM Monday, New York: New York mayor, Michael Bloomberg, gives the opening welcome, offering the traditional New York greeting, "Whatareyoulookinat?!" Following offers of discount McDonalds' coupons to protesters, Bloomberg offers conventioneers a free tote bag with every $100,000. spent at Tiffanys.

12:50PM: Senate Majority Leader, Dennis Hastert, formally nominates George W. Bush dubbing the President "a compassionate leader." The Democratic Quick Response Team immediately issues a statement calling John Kerry "a way more compassionate leader." Minutes later, Kerry tells a crowd in Minnesota that he "was way more compassionate, right after he was way less compassionate."

1:42 PM Monday, New York: Caught up with tonight's keynote speaker, former New York Mayor, Rudy Guiliani. Gave me a couple minutes where he told me that while he does not agree with most anything in the Republican platform, he was chosen to speak just to annoy Hillary.


JWR contributor Steve Young created for National Lampoon. Comment by clicking here.


© 2004, Steve Young