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Jewish World Review July 11, 2005 / 4 Taamuz,
The new PBS
Because I am a simple man, I have but one simple question: If
PBS is as politically balanced as Bill Moyers says it is, why, then, are
only liberal Americans objecting to impending changes at the network? I mean
every far-left crank in town is in a frenzy over a couple of Republicans
moving into management positions. After decades of liberal leadership, isn't
it fair to give some conservatives a shot? After all, the tax dollars of
right-wing Americans also pour into the Public Broadcasting trough. So, hey,
let's be fair about things.
Of course, there is a chance that the conservatives will not be
fair and will turn Elmo into a contributor to Tom DeLay's travel fund. That
would be tragic and should be prevented at all costs. So I have come up with
some new PBS programming designed to heal all partisan wounds. Here is what
the upcoming fall PBS lineup should look like:
"Tax the Rich" is a news-analysis program hosted by Rep. Bernie
Sanders, the socialist from Vermont. Each week, Sanders and his panel of
regular folks from Cambridge, Berkeley and Seattle will select one wealthy
American and take all his stuff. The panel will then decide which other
Americans should get said stuff and why. This program would also be
broadcast from Havana, Cuba, on special occasions.
"Santorum's Sanitarium" will be hosted by Rick Santorum, the
conservative senator from Pennsylvania. It will focus mainly on the latest
word from G-d about American policy. The Deity will weigh in each week with
solutions to complex problems and communicate through the senator, who will
occasionally speak in tongues.
"The Gay Newlywed Game" will star Congressman Barney Frank and
be broadcast from Provincetown, Mass. Each week, the editors of "The New
York Times" will select a panel of lucky homosexual, lesbian, bisexual or
transgender couples from the hundreds of articles The Times has done on
these alternative lifestyles over the past few years. Barney will ask the
couples questions about each other but try to avoid the double entendres
that made the straight "Newlywed Game" so tacky. After all, this is PBS.
"Savage Behavior" is a confrontational hour where radio talk
show host Michael Savage plans the nuclear destruction of America's enemies.
Each week, another annoying nation is vaporized using the latest high-tech
computer graphics and simulated skin meltdowns. This one is a ratings lock.
Provocative talk, awesome destruction and unlimited savagery make the
program a can't-miss hour of TV viewing.
And finally, "The Conundrum with Moyers and Liddy" features
those zany ideologues Bill Moyers and G. Gordon Liddy debating the latest
issues and zinging each other with good-humored barbs. Moyers hammers home
his philosophy that President Bush is the antichrist and also demands the
chief executive actually undergo an exorcism even if that does violate
separation of church and state. Liddy will do the program armed and, at
least once during the hour, will burn his hand in an open flame without
flinching. He may also, on occasion, call Moyers "fey."
So there you have it, the new PBS where all Americans can be
equally offended. Can't wait to see it.
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