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Jewish World Review Dec. 6, 2001/ 21 Kislev, 5762

Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder

Jackie & Raul
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What this war has really wrought -- BETWEEN making our brother-in-law open our mail -- which is probably the most work he has done in years -- looking out for terrorists, and following the President's advice to spend as much money as possible, we have not had time to solve the problem of Afghanistan -- but we do have some random thoughts.

We always knew that Trenton was located somewhere between New York and California, but because it is now revealed to be a place where terrorists hang out, we looked into the matter further. We discovered that Trenton is only about 20 miles from New York. So you can't make fun of us for being nervous when the President says that we will not only attack the terrorists but also those who harbor them. We used to look up in the sky to see if the pidgeons were dropping anything down on us. Now we look up to see if anything else is coming down.

You can't really blame the Afghans for getting mixed up. First we bomb them and after that we drop food from airplanes. Besides mixing them up, this is also a very inefficient way of getting rid of these people. First we should drop the food. When they come out of their caves to get the food, then we should drop the bombs. If we let our mother-in-law prepare the food we would not even have to bomb them at all. They would be crying for mercy after one of her meals.

One thing has always puzzled us about the bombing. In most wars you bomb their houses so the bad guys end up living in caves. In Afghanistan they start out living in caves and all we end up doing is making more holes in the ground in which they could live. They now have so much extra living space that the real estate brokers in Afghanistan are going out of business.

The Afghan men whose pictures we see in the papers are not in the Noriega class - requiring a court appointed dermatologist - but they will never get their photographs in Gentleman's Quarterly. They look like their apparel was chosen from the rejects of Omar the Tentmaker after several camels wore them at the Saturday night camel hop. Additionally, since there is no running or any other water in their caves, there a fragrance problem; and the Afghan men's intimate relationships with the local sheep certainly does not help matters. Since not many of the Afghans are packed into subway cars going to work, they don't seem to mind the odor problem. Besides, if you smell the same as the person on the next camel, you would not be in a hurry to mail him a deodorant spray.

The French, who also have an aversion to bathing solved their problem by inventing perfume. Afghans have not had the success in the perfume business that the French enjoyed since there would be no place for them to make perfume, no place to sell it and no money around for people to buy it. There would be no world- wide market for exciting new scents like Eau de Goat Lice, Evening in Taloquan or Kabul Number Five. If the Afghans begin to surrender in large numbers to the Allied troops, and our men told them to put their hands up, one might see a massive flight of our soldiers to the rear. This was the real reason our troops were issued gas masks.

Now at every event from the beginning of a Little League game to the opening of a supermarket somebody is called to sing The Star Spangled Banner. As soon as the announcer says that the national anthem will be sung by a triple Grammy Award winner who has sold 100 million records, you know the person who steps up to the microphone, tattoos and all, will not be able to carry a tune in a suitcase. What the Afghans on the ground are suffering is nothing like the damage the singers do to the anthem.

One of the problems in catching the terrorists is that they all look alike or worse yet, they all look like the guy who is sitting in the front seat driving your cab. Our government wants us to help capture these men. They point out that these individuals are responsible for thousands of murders, are desperate, possessed of all kinds of weapons including bombs in suitcases, and they want you to arrest them.

From our viewpoint anthrax allowed us to scratch ourselves in public. Before, people used to give us a funny look if we scratched ourselves. Now, when they give us the eye, we say that we are looking for anthrax. "Oh anthrax, give me a couple of scratches too." Which only goes to show that for every cloud, there is a cloudier lining.

JWR contributors Jackie Mason and Raoul Felder need no introduction. Comment on this column by clicking here.



© 2001, Jackie Mason & Raul Felder.