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Jewish World Review Nov. 6, 2001/ 20 Mar-Cheshvan, 5762

Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder

Jackie & Raul
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Consumer Reports

Anthrax at the delicatessen -- DOWN at Irving's Delicatessen, the boys were holding their regular morning meeting at the rear table under the "Send a salami to a boy in the army" sign. Ben, the retired window dresser, as usual dozed off almost as soon as he sat down. The argument at the table was long and loud enough to stir Ben. "Anthrax, anthrax, is that on the menu?" In unison, the delicatessen sages told him to go back to sleep.

Irving pointed out that in our country of 280 million people only seven people have become ill with anthrax. Lou, who as far as anybody knew was retired from being retired, said that more people than that got sick in just one week from Irving's liverwurst.

Seymour, who used to be the local letter carrier, views the world through his own private prism of Jewishness. If they catch a murderer the first question he asks is "Was he Jewish?" If the killer was Jewish he would then set out to demonstrate that he wasn't really Jewish. Jews are never murderers. The babies were probably mixed up in the hospital and the murderer's mother only thought that this was her. He was also a fervent baseball fan until Hank Greenberg retired. At that point he switched his sporting interest to chess where, he felt that he had a better than even chance to be able to root for a Jewish player. However his point was that we spend $20 billion on weapons and still can't get Bin Laden, while he spends 34 cents on stamps and throws our whole country into a panic.

Seymour would not relinquish the floor. He said all of the American military complain how difficult it will be to maneuver around in the mountains in Afghanistan. What they should do is to hire some old Jews who had spent their lives maneuvering in the Catskills.

Ben was once more awakened when the voices became raised over the anthrax situation, "What's that about my wife?" The group told him to go back to sleep. He obviously thought that when they were talking about anthrax they were talking about his wife who he, and everyone else in the group, refers to as "The Old Battle Ax."

Milton was so blind that if his nose were a inch longer he would not have been able to read a newspaper. He had to give up his trade as a tailor because he stuck too many pins into customers who he had been measuring for suits. You could always tell when a man was wearing a suit made for him by Milton --- his shirt was bloody. Milton's advice was that we could get Bin Laden the same way he got his driver's license.

It was news to the group that Milton ever had a driver's license since it would have had to have been a bright day for him to even see the dashboard from the driver's seat, let alone what was in front of the car.

The group demanded of Milton how a blind man getting a driver's license has anything to do with Bin Laden. Milton explained, "When I took my driving test, the inspector got in the car and sat next to me. Immediately, I could see he was an anti Semite, or at least was out to make sure if you could not drive (which, in Milton's case, was the same thing) you would not get a license. So I said to him, 'Is that your $50 bill on the floor?' The next day the license was in the mail."

Irving was agitated, "You seriously think giving Bin Laden $50 will make him go away?"

Milton was not fazed. "So make it a $100 bill. If my eyesight was just a little better, I'd drop it there myself, but in my condition I might drop it in front of the wrong cave."

The group was silent for a moment. Could it be that Milton finally had a good idea? The consensus was that there was Bin Laden's bunch, sitting in caves, no hot and cold running water, no electricity, no heat, no air conditioning, making love to women who had to wear dirty shmatas on their face, or if they were not so lucky, having to have a romance with a passing sheep. "And no pastrami" murmured Irving. Ben, "The smallest missile we use costs more than a million dollars. Why not offer each one of them that leaves Bin Laden a thousand dollars?" Seymour wondered aloud, "What would we do with them after they dump Bin Laden?"

"I could always sell them salamis" suggested Irving.

JWR contributors Jackie Mason and Raoul Felder need no introduction. Comment on this column by clicking here.



© 2001, Jackie Mason & Raul Felder.