Jewish World Review March 19, 2003/ 15 Adar II, 5763
Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder
Oy, the French!
There is a certain lawyer in town whose specialty is losing cases. He has fancy suits made that go west when his body goes east so that when he dresses up he seems to be standing perfectly straight up and down. This lawyer looks terrific but his specialty is not the law, it is shirts and ties. When it comes to the law it's not his business. He loses every case but still people want him to go to court for them. Go explain!
France is a lot like the lawyer with the corkscrew body. They may have an army and navy, but their business is not fighting -- it is giving up.
An Italian, if he meets you in a dark alley, person to person, will kill you even before you can commit suicide -- especially if you are fooling around with his wife. But put Italians together in an army and they are not so hot. Confronted by an enemy army, rather than fight, they sit down, have a little vino, some pasta, take out an accordion, sing a few songs and then give up.
France is the only country that ever lost two wars to Italians. The French have gotten the surrender business down to a science. To save time, they figured out a way to surrender even before a shot is fired. Nobody ever aimed even a bow and arrow at Paris but the Germans looked like they were going to do it and the French immediately gave up the city. The last French general who won any wars was Napoleon, but he was not a Frenchman, he was a Corsican. The first Muslims to ever defeat a western army since the Crusades were the Algerians, who kicked the French out of their country. The only war France ever won was the French Revolution and that's because they were fighting against themselves.
In the Second World War, when the Americans liberated Paris it was a culture shock to French women finally to be sleeping with men who didn't call them "Fraulein." We all remember that the French shaved the hair off women who had slept with the German occupiers, but they had to stop the hair cuts since the country was about to go into the history books as being the only nation of bald-headed women.
France's history of anti-Semitism going back to the Dreyfus Affair is almost as long as their history of giving up. The present president of France's buddy who was the Ambassador to England, at a London dinner party at a publisher's home, complained nobody should go to war "over a s---y little country like Israel." He proved, by this statement, that he was not only a bigot, but also stupid, since his host, Conrad Black, is a publisher, and one of the newspapers he publishes is the Jerusalem Post. The fact that Black's wife, Barbara Amiel, who happens to be Jewish and a JWR columnist, heard of the remarks did not help matters. During the Nazi occupation, the French themselves rounded up Jews and turned them over to the Nazis. The French even scuttled their own fleet, rather than turn it over to the Americans so that they could not use it against the Germans.
The French were originally against having U.N. inspectors in Iraq in the first place, but when inspectors were appointed, they undoubtedly found comfort in the fact that the two leading inspectors' first names were Hans and Mohamed.
With or without the French, America will quickly conquer Iraq. The French are undoubtedly concerned that when the fighting is over, and all the missiles and all the other weapons that the Iraqis said do not exist show up, they probably will have "Made in France" stamped all over them.
Americans should boycott French products. The fact is, because of French cowardice the lives of American soldiers are now at greater risk. There are many items that we as Americans could do without because of their French origin. The reason the French invented perfume was that they stink, but other countries also make colognes. We all ought to walk by the counters selling Christian Dior, Chanel and Cartier. We should not take Club Med vacations nor go anywhere on Air France.
We have been indoctrinated into believing that anything with a French name has some special mystique. If you take the same garment and instead of the label saying Christian Dior, it says Hymie Lipschutz, nobody would buy it. In fact, they would probably cut off the label. Evian water is basically only as good as tap water. If you put bubbles in it, you would have seltzer, but nobody would drink it with that name. If it were called "Seltzier," seltzer would become a major hit.
We were in Paris and saw all those Parasites. Americans who have been there remark on their rudeness, the fact they never miss an opportunity to overcharge and are insulting. But look, you can stay home and get the same treatment from your wife. You will save the air fare and be patriotic, all at the same time.
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JWR contributors Jackie Mason and Raoul Felder need no introduction. Comment on this column by clicking here.
© 2003, Jackie Mason & Raul Felder. A version of this column appeared at The American Prowler.