Jewish World Review Dec. 30, 2003/ 5 Teves, 5764

Marianne M. Jennings

Marianne M. Jennings
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2003 — the year we lost the war in Iraq


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Ah, 2003, 'Twas a year that saw Al Sharpton running for president and Charlie's Angels running full throttle, although not at the box office. We lost the Concorde, Bob Hope, Katharine Hepburn, Gregory Peck, Art Carney, and Mister Rogers, but found Elizabeth Smart. SARS frightened us in the spring, Monkey Pox gripped us in the summer, and Mad Cow Disease has paralyzed us, or at least beef-eaters, upon winter's descent. Herein, a look at the year of the 95 Democrats seeking the presidential nomination and the 9th or so installment of Lord of the Rings. Maybe it just feels like 9 installments of the Lord of the Rings.

January — There were rumors of war with Iraq and the Democrats, along with Germany, France and the UN, predicted humiliating defeat for the U.S. at the hands of Saddam Hussein. Venezuela exploded with political strife, as did the Democratic National Committee (DNC) when Moseley-Braun, Dean, Kucinich, Gephardt, Edwards, Graham, Kerry, Lieberman, Winkin, Blinkin, and Clark threw their hats in the ring with Sharpton's gold chains.

February — The media had us buying duct tape and plastic for sealing windows and caused a run on bottled water because, they assured, war was imminent and that Saddam would invade via dirty bombs or maybe just come through Perth Amboy, NJ.

March — The war in Iraq began with shock and awe because American troops captured 7.9 towns per hour while traveling 45 mph but Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, information minister for Iraq, aka Baghdad Bob, insisted, "There are no troops, no invaders, — only liars." Democrats and CNN added, "He's right, you know." NPR called the war for the Iraqis one hour after bombing began because the U.S. had not yet captured or killed Saddam.

April — Jubilant crowds greeted American troops in Baghdad and pulled down the statue of Saddam. Baghdad Bob clarified, "We slaughtered them," and "God is grilling their stomachs in hell. I think we will finish them soon." The Dixie Chicks unleashed the power of steam rollers with their statements that they were embarrassed by President Bush. Their CD sales slumped as radio play of their tunes ended. Even Baghdad Bob uttered, "Dumb broads!"

May — Annika Sorenstam got her place in the PGA, and Mr. Bush took his place on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln to declare an end to the combat phase of the war. Sen. Robert Byrd (D. W. Va.) complained that the commander-in-chief used taxpayer dollars to visit troops??? Jessica Lynch was rescued. We spent the remainder of the year debating whether she actually needed to be rescued, was actually rescued, and who actually did the rescuing. Meanwhile, Ms. Lynch got $500,000 for a book to clear up who actually did what.

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June — The Catholic Church hired Baghdad Bob who told the press, "There is no problem with priests and young boys. Infidel accusers." The U.S. Supreme Court, in what the gay community called "progress," held that sodomy was protected under the U.S. Constitution. The word "sodomy" is not in the Constitution but Justice Kennedy, et al. assured us that its omission was simply an oversight by Madison and Jefferson and the Euros would want it this way.

July — Phoenix's low temperature for July 16, 96, sets a record for the highest low temperature ever recorded in the U.S. But, it's a dry heat. Gays won adoption rights in states that were promptly lauded for their "progressive" attitudes. NBA star Kobe Bryant, charged with sexual assault, did not hire defense lawyer Mark Geragos, defender of Winona Ryder, Scott Peterson, and others in the celebrity underworld. Bryant may have a real defense.

August — A French heat wave that the French attributed to American pig-dog global warming.

September — A cooler Jacques Chirac kissed Laura Bush's hand when the First Lady visited Paris. He hopes to get a piece of Halliburton's action in Iraq. Gerhard Schroeder, unwilling to kiss Mrs. Bush's hand, explained that he always hated Saddam but shuns war and loves Halliburton.

October — Democratic frontrunner Howard Dean commented on pick-up trucks, white Southerners and Confederate flags, thus ensuring his nomination by the Dems along with the loss of 17 Southern states in his run against Bush in 2004. Even Baghdad Bob had no comment.

November — The Episcopalians named Gene Robinson, a gay male, as a bishop. The Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled that gays have the right to civil marriages. Madonna kissed Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera passionately at the MTV music awards. The straights began to wonder if the country had any room for them. The 9th Circuit answered the question by ordering that "under God" be taken out of the pledge of allegiance.

December — U.S. troops captured a meek Saddam in a rat hole. The Dems, CNN and NPR said the U.S. still lost the war because bin-Laden remains at large. Mark Geragos stepped in to defend Michael Jackson on charges of child molestation. Mr. Jackson stated on national TV that there was absolutely no problem with 40-year-old men having boys sleep with them. To which the U.S. Supreme Court, the Episcopalian Church, the Massachusetts Supreme Court, and Baghdad Bob responded, "Here! Here!"

We did indeed lose a war. The war we lost was on the home front, the one for the moral fiber of America. Quite a year. Quite a change.

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JWR contributor Marianne M. Jennings is a professor of legal and ethical studies at Arizona State University. Send your comments by clicking here.

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