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Jewish World Review Dec. 9, 2003 / 14 Kislev, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Billy Bob Thornton did a huge box office in Bad Santa last weekend in the only Santa Claus movie ever made that was rated for adults only. Psychiatrists have a clinical name for adults who still believe in Santa Claus. They call them Democrats.

Richard Gere flew to Jordan Saturday to try to negotiate Middle East peace between Arabs and Israelis. Actors are so self- centered. It never crossed his mind that both sides were requesting Bill Clinton's mediation when they said only the American Gigolo could solve this mess.

Howard Dean passed out tongue depressors with his name on them to voters in Iowa Friday. It could be wild having a doctor as president. If Jack Kennedy had been able to write his own prescriptions, Lyndon Johnson might have been president two years earlier.

John Kerry launched an expletive-filled tirade against President Bush Sunday in Rolling Stone. He swore, he cussed, he spat out vulgarities and profanities and obscenities. All the Democrats talk like this when they hear good economic news.

Al Sharpton on NBC's Saturday Night Live did an impression of Johnnie Cochran giving legal advice to Michael Jackson. The best legal advice is, sit tight. If U.S. authorities can't find a six-foot-eight-inch Arab riding a donkey and lugging a dialysis machine, they probably can't find the only black man in Santa Barbara, either.

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