Jewish World Review Dec. 28, 2001 / 13 Teves, 5762

Greg Crosby

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Consumer Reports

I Resolve

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com -- ANOTHER new year is about to begin. Another chance for a brand new beginning--a fresh start. And because once again our hearts are filled with good intentions, we make our annual New Year's resolutions. Our first resolution being not to break any of our other resolutions--as we did last year. This year will be different. This year we will try much harder to be good. Yes, this is the year we will lose those extra pounds, or finally give up smoking, or maybe both. This is the year we promise to do all those important things we've been putting off forever. This year we promise to spend more time with our loved ones and less time at the office. This year we will exercise more...we're really going to get into shape this time. This year we will take that trip we've been postponing for so long. This year we will be better people in every way we possibly can. This time we will do all the right things....at least that's what we told ourselves last year...and the year before that...and the year before that. But this year we will really do it, won't we? And if we don't ...well, there's always next year.

Having lived through more than my share of broken resolutions, I am now resolved not to break any others. This year I have carefully compiled a list of New Year's resolutions that I really do plan to stick to. So... ready or not, here they are:

1. I resolve to stop telling any more jokes about liberals (unless liberals do more imbecilic things between now and the end of the year).

2. I resolve not to eat boiled cauliflower

3. I resolve to stop arguing with my wife (unless she doesn't agree with me on something).

4. I resolve to watch less television (except if there is a really good old movie on AMC or TCM).

5. I resolve not to climb Mount Everest.

6. I resolve to get on a daily exercise program (unless I change my mind).

7. I resolve not to win the Irish Sweepstakes or the California lotto.

8. I resolve not to lose my temper when driving in the car (unless I encounter a jerk on the road).

9. I resolve not to go to any loud, teenage nightclubs or rock concerts.

10. I resolve to quit eating ice cream (except if it's a really hot day or I get an uncontrollable craving).

11. I resolve to keep all the clutter on my desk just as it is right now.

12. I resolve to get up earlier in the morning (except when I want to sleep in).

13. I resolve to continue to avoid seeing any Jim Carey movies whatsoever.

14. I resolve to maintain the one hundred plus ties in my closet (I figure if I hang on to them long enough, they'll come back into style someday).

15. I resolve to love and cherish my wife and family even more this year than last.

16. I resolve to love and appreciate my country much more this year than last.

Now those are New Year's resolutions I absolutely will not be breaking this year! And remember, a non-broken resolution is a guilt-free resolution. So if you find that you're having trouble keeping your resolutions, next time try it my way and rest assured that at least the odds for success are in your favor.

Good luck and happy New Year!


JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.

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© 2001 Greg Crosby