It isn't Fair

Since so much of what happens in our lives seems to have no reason or logic, and therefore goes unexplained, it is important, in my opinion, to have a solid foundation in religion (Jewish in my case) which although cannot fully explain everything, does at least offer purpose and meaning to our existence with the understanding that G od is behind it. Belief in this is necessary, especially when things go horribly wrong.

In the last five to ten years my wife has been afflicted with so much that I find myself (in spite of my faith) thinking how unfair it is. Why, G od? Why so much pain and misery on her? She has done nothing to deserve all this. It isn't fair. She has undergone so many health problems in her life, I couldn't begin to list them all.

Just in the last few years she has suffered from peripheral neuropathy, diabetes, hepatitis, chronic gastritis, heart attack, and fainting spells. Five years ago she lost most of her vision. Her eyesight continues to get progressively worse with each passing day.

The year 2017 was the big one. She would be 75 years old that year and to celebrate I wanted to take her on a Mississippi paddleboat cruise which was her longtime dream vacation. It never happened. That was the year that everything caved in on her.

The first thing that hit her was a mysterious skin rash that came out of nowhere. Little by little it crept all over her body and the itching drove her nuts. The rash was bright red and in parts blistered. She saw every kind of doctor you might imagine; dermatologists, allergists, infectious disease specialists, we went to them all. No solutions. Finally the condition got so bad that her primary care doctor had to hospitalize her.

She was put on an IV and given high doses of antibiotics. They did skin biopsies. They experimented with taking her off various medications that she'd been on, thinking that maybe one of those was causing the rash. Some years before she was diagnosed with having diabetes type 2 and was taking pills to control it. While in the hospital they took her off the pills and put her on direct insulin. From that point on she would have to administer insulin injections into her belly every morning. Finally the rash subsided and slowly disappeared. No one has been able to tell us how or why it came about. A mystery.

She left the hospital thankful that the ordeal was over. She looked forward to her paddle wheel adventure in the fall and we began preparing for it. Then, literally just days before the cruise, she came down with an extreme case of hepatitis. Again, out of nowhere. Hepatitis is contagious and given her distress and the severity of the disease, our doctor could not allow her to take that cruise. That was the end of her dream vacation but not the end of her maladies.

Eventually she got through the hepatitis but that's when things got worse. She awoke one morning in early November complaining that she had a strange black spot in her left eye. It was obvious that this was serious so we took her to her eye doctor right away. After examining her he realized that although he was an optical surgeon, she had something that was way beyond his pay grade. He made a phone call and told us to hurry over to an eye specialist in neuro-ophthalmology. We drove over to the eye center and got the bad news. She had suffered what they called "a stroke" in the optic nerve of her eye. Nothing she had done, or could have avoided. Just one of those things, we were told.

A few days later it happened to her other eye. Same thing, optic nerve stroke. Very unusual, we were told, for this to occur in both eyes. The medical term is AION (anterior ischemic optic neuropathy). There is no cure. She agreed to undergo a research trial, however, with the slight possibility of improving things a bit. It was a gamble but one we decided might be worth a try. She an entire year going through testing, injections, drops, and more testing. In the end, it was all for nothing.

Although she is not in total blackness, her sight is gone beyond repair. If lucky she can just make out shadows. Light is a source of discomfort for her, not offering increased visibility, only glaring irritation. Once an avid book reader, crossword puzzle player, cook, seamstress, and caretaker of my house and of me, she is now dependent on Braille audio books and listening to TV, radio, or my reading.

And then this past May she developed a digestive problem that has, after numerous testing of upper and lower GI regions, turned out to be chronic gastritis. Something else that appears to have no cure. But it gets better.

Literally at the same time, she suffered a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. She needed to have bypass surgery, but because her veins and arteries are too small it couldn't be done. About all they can do for her is ply her with pills which she takes at four intervals throughout the day. During this time she has had three separate fainting spells, which, thankfully, she was able to snap out of and come to in a relatively quick time.

I want so very much to help her, but I feel so inadequate. I do what I can but it isn't anywhere enough. I know that many people have horrible physical disabilities that they and their families must deal with. My sympathies and understanding are with them. However, the realization that we're not alone, that others have health problems which are as bad or worse than ours does not give me solace, sorry to say. I wish it did.

The good news is we're managing. We have each other, and that means a lot. We are immensely grateful for that.

My faith in my G od is as strong as it ever was. I just can't help thinking that what has happened to Jane isn't fair. Although she has managed to keep a good attitude throughout it all, she has had more than her share of pain, heartache, and disappointment. She has cried enough. No, it really isn't fair. Not at all fair.

I would very much like to tell Him that.

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