Jewish World Review August 31, 2001 / 12 Elul, 5761

Greg Crosby

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Consumer Reports

The Incredible Dan Rather Announcement -- CBS anchor icon Dan Rather shocked the world yesterday when he denounced the Democratic party for "standing by Gary Condit for far too long." Rather, who has long been thought to be a member in good standing of the liberal-biased media elite and therefore a Democratic party sympathizer, went on to say that, "I am sick and tired of trying to ignore and/or defend sleazy politicians like Bill Clinton and Gary Condit. I have tried my best to look the other way in so many instances, but my conscience just won't allow it any longer."

Rather called the startling news conference following the conclusion of his own evening news broadcast. He signed off the air then met with reporters in a small press room at the CBS studios in New York. From all accounts, nobody had a clue what the last minute press gathering was to be about. Some news reporters speculated that Rather would be announcing an early retirement from CBS. Others thought that he might be planning a run for elected office somewhere. But it soon became apparent as he stood at the microphones with tears welling in his eyes, that this was to be an unusual and difficult announcement for Rather to make.

"I stand before you all," he started as he glanced around the room, "a humbled and saddened man." Clearing his throat, he went on. "I have always been a loyal Democrat in the true sense of the word. Yes, my personal politics have, more often than not, tended to the extreme left. I do admit that now, although I know I tried to deny it in the past. But having said that, I must tell you that I tried my damnedest not to let personal biases influence my work as a reporter."

"Through the years I have watched as my party, the Democrats, have shifted further and further to the left. In the beginning I was all for it. I felt that our country needed to be propelled in a new progressive direction. So I applauded some of the social changes that started to weave their way throughout the fabric of America. Good things like forced bussing, enhanced entitlement programs and racial quotas. Food stamps, increased welfare, federal subsidies, and other creative ways to get government deeper into people's lives. These are things every real American should stand for."

Dan, you the man!

"But then one day I noticed what was REALLY going on with the left in this country and I was shocked! Shocked!" Rather wiped a tear from his cheek at this point as he continued.

"I have fought with my every breath to support the Clinton administration. I tried to be a good soldier. I agreed with my colleagues on the left that a President's personal sex life should be his own business, even if he is a serial adulterer, and even when he acts upon it in the Oval Office with an intern young enough to be his daughter. And even if he lies to a grand jury about it and commits perjury, so what? And, yes, I heard the charges of his raping that other woman, but again, so what?

"But now it seems a woman's life may have been taken and I can no longer defend nor can I condone the liberal policies that might have in some sense paved the way for a tragedy of this proportion to occur. I will no longer support a political party that refuses to speak out against moral and ethical wrong doing. I will no longer support a political party that continues to look the other way in terms of an elected official's personal behavior and lack of common decency. I will demand honesty, honor, and courage from the politicians of whom I will support in the future -- no matter what party affiliation they may be."

"In this spirit, then, I have decided to leave the news arena and seek other employment. I now know that I have done America wrong with my prejudicial left-leaning slant on the news all these years. Sorry about that. I do not yet know what new career path I will be taking, but I am open to any serious offers and considerations. Please address any and all inquires to my web site: Thank you."

(The above was a made-up, pretend, bogus, fake, satirical humor piece. So don't sue me, Dan Rather.)

JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. You may contact him by clicking here.

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© 2001 Greg Crosby