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• President Trump struck a medicines deal with England to give British patients easy access to the latest U.S. treatments. We're in this together. To me the only difference between Americans and the British is a Brit can ask the waiter for Worcestershire Sauce without sounding like he's having a stroke.
• Senate Democrats criticized President Trump's address to the nation Wednesday night saying his boast of shutting down the border is heartless. However I think no one has a bigger heart than Donald Trump. He's flying thousands of illegal migrants home to be with their families this Christmas.
• The U.S. Navy tightened the noose around Venezuela ports Thursday after Trump declared an oil blockade. I'm guessing President Maduro will abdicate power and leave Venezuela before any shooting breaks out. President Trump has never started a war, unless you count the Women of the View.
• President Trump announced a $1,776 holiday bonus to all U.S. military personnel. Right now if we invade Venezuela, a beer is 50 cents, cocaine is $5 a gram and hookers $10 there. The point is, with $1,776 burning a hole in their pockets, sailors will be spending money like drunken congressmen.
• Bobby Kennedy was on hand in the Oval Office Thursday for the re-classifying of cannabis to ease research and banking restrictions on pot. Getting stoned is now covered by Medicare. All I can say is, it took 60 years but Baby Boomers were never going to rest until free weed was the law of the land.
• The Senate passed the Defense Spending Act Thursday. It rescinded the 1991 and 2002 war powers resolution used by George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush to launch a war without congressional approval. Upon hearing this news, Baghdad's air raid sirens finally signaled the all-clear.
• Fox News covered the police search of the Brown University shooter who shot up a classroom 10 days ago who then drove south and may have killed an MIT nuclear physicist. In the course of all this, I learned that a gram of uranium contains a billion calories. Yet another reason not to eat uranium.
• The U.S. Navy destroyed 2 more cocaine boats in the Pacific Friday. Until 1913 every bottle of Coca-Cola contained 3.5 grams of cocaine. This fact explains how our grandparents and great-grandparents were able to walk to and from school for 5 miles, uphill both ways, in the snow and barefoot.
• The Doolittle Survey says 63% of Americans are doing their Christmas shopping at malls this year. The kids get the Santa experience there. A poll says 80% of all shopping mall Santa Clauses are over 5'8” tall, 90% weigh over 200 pounds and, this really surprised me, only 6% violate their parole.
• CBS News forecast rainstorms and heavy snow in SoCal Christmas week. It'll lend a holiday mood. It's that special time of the year, when everyone is talking about and searching for that mysterious man who flies through the skies visiting the children from all over the world, Jeffrey Epstein.
• The Justice Department released 13,000 Epstein files Friday showing Bill Clinton in photos with Epstein, other photos with hot young women and in Epstein's hot tub with 2 women. The evidence points to the conclusion that Bill Clinton may be a womanizer. Gee, you think you know a guy.
• House Democrats claimed redactions in some of the Epstein files showed that the DOJ was covering up for Trump. The Biden DOJ had the Epstein files for 4 years and never used them. They'd already filed 92 criminal charges against Trump and I guess they didn't want to appear to be piling on.
• CNN reports anti-ICE protestors are staging noisy rallies outside hotels where ICE agents stay to keep them from sleeping. Last week, in a clash with ICE in downtown L.A., a protester was shot in the testicle with a rubber bullet and the bullet shattered the testicle. The good news is, she will recover.
• President Trump's board at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in Washington re-named it the Trump-Kennedy Center on Friday. He's got nerve. I now live in the fear that any day Trump is going to strike the name of the Argus Hamilton Washington Monument and re-name it Trump's Penis.
• The U.S. launched bombing attacks on ISIS positions in eastern Syria on Friday in reprisal for an ISIS attack on a U.S. outpost last week that Syria warned the U.S. was coming, but was ignored. Well at least give the terrorists credit for acting locally. I thought Republicans support small businesses.
• The Treasury Department dispatched IRS agents and welfare fraud investigators to Minnesota to try to track down all the welfare fraud committed by Somalis. Treasury agents estimate the scam totals $2 billion. The Somalis are so crooked that when they die, they have to be screwed into the ground.
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