Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• President

• Mick Jagger announced on social media that the Rolling Stones will tour the U.S. and Europe in 2026 in a series of concerts called Last Bus Tour. The same post showed a photo of Keith Richards with his two pre-teenage granddaughters, and he looked very happy. When they die, he inherits everything.

• Governor Abbott mandated Texas schools to allow Turning Point chapters in all Texas public schools. There are unforeseen consequences. Turning Point is so effective I am warning Texas that in four years, Baylor is going to have 600,000 freshmen not dancing or drinking, and you what that leaves.

• Notre Dame announced the Fighting Irish won't play in any bowl games this year after being snubbed by the CFC Committee when the 12 teams in the playoffs were announced Sunday. It's the most petulant thing I ever heard. Notre Dame even adopted a new fight song, I'll Be Home for Christmas.

• President Trump ripped Minnesota Governor Tim Walz for what Trump called ignoring the billions in welfare fraud perpetrated by East African immigrants in his state. They're taking over. To placate their team fan base, the Minnesota Vikings plan to change their name to the Somali Pirates.

• U.S. Rep. Ilhan Omar hit the Sunday talk shows to deflect any association with Somali welfare scams stealing billions of tax dollars. We're all targeted by something or other these days. Last month I was booked to perform aboard a cruise that sailed from Venezuela to Miami and boy did I bomb.

• House Democrats accuse the Pentagon of murdering the Caribbean speedboat operators with missile strikes. A Colombian family sued the U.S. for blowing up their relative in one strike. They say they can prove he was a fisherman, just as soon as they can get the Mrs. Paul logo off the catch hold.

• Politico reports Minnesota Governor Tim Walz is in political jeopardy due to Somali welfare fraud roiling his state. Tim's daughter denounced Trump last week for calling Tim Walz a retard. It also drew fury from the psychiatrically-disabled community which considered the comparison a gay slur.

• Agriculture Secretary Brooke Collins announced the administration will give U.S. farmers $12 billion in direct payments not to grow certain crops. So now the only thing a farmer needs if he has a good government check coming in is a good pair of boots. That's because it's a long walk to the mailbox.

• Texas Democratic Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett announced Monday that she's going to run for U.S. Senate in Texas. Her quotes make her G od's gift to comedians. Jasmine has been in the media spotlight for only a year and she has already single-handedly put an end to dumb blonde jokes.

• Gavin Newsom confided while he was surveying last year's Palisades fire, an ember caught his hair on fire. He was asking for it. When you mix hair styling gel with too much hair spray all on top of Just for Men hair dye, you could burst into flames if you walk outside in Palm Springs during the day.

• President Zelensky said Monday he won't cede one inch of the Donbas to Russia in any peace deal, even though it was part of Russia until 1956. If Russia loses its patience with this guy I fear the worst. There may be no Ukrainians aboard the Starship Enterprise because Star Trek is set in the future.

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