Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Stephen Colbert's CBS Late Show angered Democrats by welcoming conservative Great American Jeans model Sydney Sweeney. Sydney looked like an absolute knockout. The next day, a Democratic federal judge in San Francisco ordered Sweeney to gain 100 pounds and get one of those Butch haircuts.

• The Johannesburg Mail reports an African politician named Adolf Hitler was elected to office in Namibia, derided by his critics as a populist demagogue. The joke just writes itself. Trump won even though they called him another Hitler and Hitler won even though they called him another Trump.

• Paramount plans to revive Rush Hour movies after President Trump urged the studio to bring back Jackie Chan as the Hong Kong detective and Chris Tucker as an L.A. cop. The first Rush Hour back in 1997 had a hilarious ending. They found the kidnapped Chinese heiress, but we lost Hong Kong.

• The DOJ was ordered by a federal judge to explain why it didn't want the Epstein files released in July. Trump didn't want them released, whetting a media frenzy, then he agreed to their release, and the villains all turned out to be Democrats. In comedy this is known as the old exploding cigar trick.

• CBS News quoted a Harvard scientist who says he thinks the approaching Atlas comet may be an alien craft. There is much conjecture about the unknown activities in the universe. On Thursday, 260 pounds of marijuana fell out of the sky in San Diego, which gives credence to the Big Bong Theory.

• Bloomberg reports the Bitcoin market crash continued this Thanksgiving week, resulting in $1 trillion in losses. It's been the Crypto market's worst-ever month. Nevertheless a Bitcoin crash isn't as lethal as a stock market crash because nobody ever got killed from jumping out of a basement window.

• Brewing and Distilling reports holiday liquor sales from Thanksgiving week through Christmas and New Year's Day makes 20% of U.S. annual liquor sales. A whiskey was recalled in Finland this week because it's found to contain anti-freeze. If you drink too much you get sent to AAA instead of AA.

• The National Highway Transportation Safety Board warned holiday drivers that one out of every four car accidents is caused by drinking and driving. So if you're out on the road this weekend you are supposed to be sure and watch out for anyone who's not drinking. They cause three-fourths of all the car wrecks.

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