Contact The Editor
Articles By This Author
Q: I put so much pressure on myself to create a perfect holiday for everyone else that I end up exhausted. How can I better manage this stress and actually enjoy the season?
A: The holidays are often portrayed as a time of joy, celebration and unity, but for this patient and many of my other patients, it can be a stressful few months. Between family obligations, out-of-town visitors and work events, the holiday season can be a time of immense pressure and tension.
In 2023, a survey showed that 35 percent of U.S. adults found the holidays somewhat stressful, and 14 percent said they were very stressful. And this year, there is a layer of uncertainty with the upcoming transition in our nation's leadership, adding to tensions and intensifying potential conflicts at holiday gatherings.
A certain degree of holiday stress is inevitable, but as I tell my patients, we all need to be proactive in identifying ways to manage it. And although we can't control others' behaviors or opinions, we can control how we prepare and respond.
Here's how we can set ourselves up for a more peaceful holiday season and prevent anxiety from creeping in.
• Set boundaries early
A major challenge around the holidays is feeling the pressure to make everyone happy. This often leads to overcommitting and an increase in anxiety. Setting boundaries doesn't mean avoiding people you care about or social obligations - it simply means deciding how much you can, and want to, realistically handle. Take time to consider what will make you happy. It's okay to say you're unable to attend an event or politely excuse yourself early from a gathering. Setting boundaries in advance will allow you to enjoy the season without feeling overwhelmed.
• Schedule micro-restorative breaks
Managing all the responsibilities and traditions can get overwhelming and take the joy out of the festivities. Try working in micro-breaks throughout each day. These short pauses allow you to recharge so you can be fully present when you are with others.
Some examples include taking a short walk, calling a friend and finding a quiet spot to read or watch a show. The break may last just a few minutes, but these small moments can make a big difference in helping you stay grounded amid the chaos that the holidays often bring.
• Communicate roles in advance
Holidays are notorious for chaotic kitchen dynamics and last-minute grocery store runs. These tensions often come from assumptions about who is responsible for what.
Establish clear roles and expectations well before the festivities. Whether it's cooking, shopping or hosting, talk with your family and friends ahead of time and delegate where possible. Plan to prevent assumptions, and try to create a relaxed space.
• Handle conflict in the moment
Even with all the proactive measures in place, we still can find ourselves in the middle of a tense conversation or an emotionally charged situation. Here are some tips to help you navigate your emotions in the moment.
Pause.
In tense moments, it can be easy to want to react quickly. Pausing allows us to respond in a thoughtful, rather than impulsive, way. Pausing prevents further escalation and helps us maintain control over our emotions.
Change the subject.
If you don't like how someone is speaking to you about a certain topic, whether related to your family, politics or work, gently redirect the conversation to a more neutral topic. For instance, you could talk about your favorite holiday tradition or plans for the new year. If the other person continues down a conflictual path, politely remove yourself from the situation.
Practice empathy.
Many social situations, whether during the holidays or at other times of the year, can come with debates and differences of opinion. Acknowledging another person's perspective can help ease tension in heated moments. Have a go-to statement that you can incorporate into difficult conversations, such as "I understand where you're coming from, and it's okay that we have different opinions."
Reframe your expectations.
We live in a world influenced by social media, which often shows idealized pictures and videos of joy, togetherness and material excess. It can be easy to feel the pressure to create a picture-perfect holiday experience for family and friends.
But consider that everyone's "perfect" looks different. For one person, an ideal holiday gathering may include takeout or catering to prevent the stresses that come with hosting a large group for a meal. For another, it may include spending the day just with immediate family, eliminating the anxiety that may come from gathering with extended family. Reframing this for ourselves can ease a lot of the self-imposed pressures that fuel holiday stress.
Focus on creating an enjoyable holiday season in ways that feel right for you. And remember that prioritizing your well-being isn't selfish. It's a necessary step to showing up as your best self for yourself and your loved ones.
Brook Choulet, M.D. is a board-certified Concierge Sports & Performance Psychiatrist who works with children, adolescents, and adults and Founder of Choulet Performance Psychiatry®, with locations in Scottsdale, Arizona and San Diego and Beverly Hills, California.
(COMMENT, BELOW)