Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• A University of Michigan study released Tuesday shows a sharp decrease in the use of alcohol, marijuana and tobacco by young people. I swear, cocaine wins every comparison test. If a drug can make you first feel powerful, sexy and brilliant and then later impotent and paranoid, what's not to like?

• The FBI warned the public not to shoot down the unidentified drones seen in the night skies over New Jersey. Public confidence in the government response hit a new low Tuesday. Dr. Fauci just declared that until we know what these drones actually are, we must follow the science and wear a mask.

• Donald Trump met with Amazon's Jeff Bezos, Meta's Mark Zuckerberg, Apple's Tim Cook and the chairman of Softbank at Mar a Lago last week. It had nothing to do with public policy. Trump is conducting a continuing education seminar teaching our CEOs how to survive assassination attempts.

• New York prosecutors indicted Luigi Mangione for the shooting of health insurance CEO Brian Thompson on the streets of New York. He was caught in a nationwide manhunt. Luigi was the first fugitive in America to be identified by a teenage girl from his photo on the cover of Tiger Beat magazine.

• Donald Trump sued the Des Moines Register and Iowa pollster Ann Selzer for what he claims was deliberate election interference. The sample was suspiciously skewed. Every four years Iowans are sad after the election season is over because then they have to go back to fertilizing the crops themselves.

• Donald Trump's online store mixed politics with Christmas by marketing Trump Cologne using a photo of Jill gushing at him in Paris. I just ordered the Biden Stocking Stuffer for my nephew, it's a Get Out of Jail Free card. For an extra $29, I could have gotten a section of the Mexican border wall.

• Congress reached a tentative deal on a stopgap funding bill to avoid a government shutdown on Tuesday. A bipartisan bill to make the Bald Eagle the national symbol passed Congress. It was almost unanimous except lawmakers from Alabama wanted the national bird to be the Popeye's 8-Piece.

• California Governor and likely 2028 Democratic presidential candidate Gavin Newsom addressed a government forum Tuesday. Gavin claimed credit for cutting out waste in state government. The only thing he's reduced is the number of arsons because nobody can afford the gas prices in California.

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