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• The Washington Post reports federal workers are scared over DOGE cuts in the bureaucracy. The morale is low. FBI Director Chris Wray resigned in disgrace Monday after the public realized that in the past year, McDonald's got more presidents elected and apprehended more shooters than the FBI did.
• Politico reports Luigi Mangione's flight from justice turned him into a hero for anti-capitalists and anarchists. Out here in Hollywood, Susan Sarandon wasted no time ordering up a script for Thelma and Luigi. At the movie's end, they drive off the roof of the Kaiser Permanente parking garage.
• Sotheby's Auction House offered a piece of art titled Comedian that was simply a banana that is duct-taped to a wall and the piece sold for $6 million. I don't understand this world. Last week, I dropped a box of spaghetti that spilled on the kitchen floor, and I accidentally graduated from art school.
• Donald Trump celebrated being named Time's Person of the Year by ringing the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. It was a bit awkward at first. The floor traders greeted Trump by chanting USA, USA! when everyone knows the proper response to Trump's arrival is the YMCA song.
• The DOJ Inspector General issued his January 6 Report revealing that the FBI had 26 informants planted in the protestors who poured into the U.S. Capitol over their anger about the midnight mail-in votes that won Biden the election. I know I'll never forget January 6th, 2021. Gasoline was $2 a gallon.
• The New York Post says Biden Administration officials hired flatbed trucks to carry off unused border wall materials in Arizona for auction before Trump can use it to complete his border wall. Do they really think that'll work? A year from now there will be statues in Mississippi of Stonewall Trump.
• The White House announced Thursday that President Biden commuted the sentences of 1,500 criminals in the largest act of clemency in American history. These commutations make sense if you think about it. Joe Biden hasn't formed a complete sentence in years, why should anybody else have to?
• President Biden set a record Thursday issuing 39 pardons and commuting the prison sentences of 1,500 people. I had no idea the Bidens were a Mormon family. Before every Biden family Christmas dinner they all sit down at the banquet hall, hold hands, close their eyes and get their story straight.
• Luigi Mangione yelled at TV cameras as he was led into his arraignment Monday. I can imagine his frustration over being spotted at a McDonald's. Luigi knew his photo was everywhere and that he was the subject of a nationwide manhunt but the McRib is only available for a limited amount of time.
• The McDonald's restaurant that turned in HMO exec murder suspect Luigi Mangione has been flooded with negative reviews. Hey, if Luigi is such a champion for health care, why was he eating a Bacon Egg and Cheese McMuffin? You can't get Lloyd's of London to cover breakfast at McDonald's.
• Luigi Mangione was reportedly radicalized at Brown by anti-societal influences. My radicalism at OU centered on fraternity parties, panty raids, and smoking pot in a van while we chased after tornadoes. I don't think I'm getting smarter as I get older, I just think I've run out of stupid things to do.
• Fox News reported that Trump's golf course assassin Ryan Wesley Routh will plead insanity in February. In startling news, it was just learned the Secret Service agent fired his pistol at Routh six times from 5 feet away and missed each shot. Only his guide dog prevented Routh from getting away.
• New Jersey residents are panicked after hundreds of drones were seen darting around in the sky this week. It's unexplained. However New Jersey is headquarters for Horizon Health Insurance and if the CEO sees a red dot appear on his lapel while he's walking to his car, he'd better tuck and roll.
• ABC's Women of the View hosted Bill Clinton Wednesday who advised Democrats to work with Trump, then he lectured the panel that Trump won fair and square. Bill remains the master. Even I couldn't tell which one of the women he was trying to pick up using the old trick of infuriating them all.
• FBI Director Christopher Wray told an agency town hall Wednesday that he will resign as FBI Director before the new administration takes over, conceding that President-elect Trump plans to replace him as Director. My former tax accountant is now with the FBI. They caught him in Cleveland.
• The UN General Assembly demanded Syria's new government fully respect the rights of women Monday. The region's come a long way. In 1974 I went to Cairo on spring break where an Egyptian offered me 20 camels for my girlfriend, and I told him if he'd u
• pgrade to Marlboro Lights, he had a deal. Dick Van Dyke had to spend his 99th birthday evacuating his house in Malibu Canyon due to the brushfires that just erupted. The cause is unknown. However the Santa Ana winds are in town and it might have been a mistake lighting all 99 candles on Dick's birthday cake with the windows open.
• Cincinnati Bengals QB Joe Burrow's home was burglarized during his game on Monday Night Football weeks after KC Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes's home was burglarized during his game on MNF. The burglars don't know football. Everyone knows it's the wide receivers who own all the jewelry.
• Denmark released a study which said living in the suburbs results in a sameness of life that can cause depression. After performing nearly 49 years on the Sunset Strip I'm way too jaded for life in the suburbs. I don't want to hear about your son's water polo game unless it ended in a shark attack.
• Disney Parks and Universal Studio Hollywood and Orlando just banned smart phone Selfie Sticks for safety reasons. It's about time someone explained why. Rainstorm season is approaching Los Angeles and I think it's cruel that nobody has told Generation Z that Selfie Sticks are also lightning rods.
• Research Gate ripped Anglo-Saxon hegemony in an article citing the English-speaking people for exploitation of other countries. Today I couldn't start my new car at the dealership. The interior camera spotted an Anglo-Saxon behind the wheel, which automatically triggered the anti-theft device.
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