Jewish World Review Dec. 14, 2004 / 2 Teves 5765
Thomas J. McFeeley
Has your husband learned ANYTHING in all These Years?
I recently celebrated my sixth wedding anniversary and I thought about all the things I learned. Patience. That showering is actually intended to be a daily activity. Vocabulary.
Vocabulary, you ask? Sure. Guys learn new words every day. Actually we hear new words, but whether we learn them is a product of whether or not we're thinking about if the Patriots should have kicked a field goal instead of going for it on fourth down.
After six years, even I've learned some words.
So ladies, give your guys this quiz. Fellas, grab a pencil. The pencils are in the office, top drawer of the desk. She moved them from the kitchen junk drawer last week!
Here's the deal: I'll give you the word, you try and guess the correct meaning. Fear not, all the answers, and "What your score says about you" are below.
A. The fearless sister of Hansel.
B. A critical gastrointestinal organ that men over the age of 35 must have checked annually in unimaginable ways.
C. Standard twin bed frames fitted to enable a second bed to be rolled out from underneath, creating extra sleeping space. It is often in the form of a day bed to create a bedroom out of a living space or increase sleeping area for unexpected guests. However, once a man is married, the only unexpected guest to arrive will be his in-laws, who, if you made them sleep in a family room trundle bed, will remark "His parents must have abandoned him in a forest more than once when he was a child."
2. Julienne style
A. The latest figure skating technique, made famous by the Russian skater-turned-coach Julienne Borskovikiansly. Combining a double twist, a triple flip and a very short skirt, the Julienne style has proven popular among Western skaters, but has not been generally accepted by French judges.
B. A term derived from a never published but often rumored scene in one of Shakespeare's famed works in which the heroine confidently promises Romeo that she knows just the thing to "doth make ye a man."
C. Basically cutting vegetables into strips.
A. That thick, crusty, smelly brown appearance that results if you attempt to microwave macaroni and cheese that has freezer burn.
B. The category of last night's Final Jeopardy, prompting Ken Jennings' two opponents to stomp offstage muttering "I shoulda tried out for Wheel of Fortune."
C. A procedure by which people - that is women and metrosexual men - have a doctor press a tiny sandblasting device to their face and proceed to pelt their skin with itty-bitty crystals. The procedure is intended to repair sun-beaten skin. Note, however, your insurance will not cover the fad-like procedure, which you can probably accomplish just as easily with your Black and Decker sander, which is holding up your autographed poster of the 1985 Chicago Bears in the workbench.
A. The name of the six-foot stuffed sheep you and your college buddies chipped in to buy your fraternity brother after what's become known as "The Old McDonald incident."
B. The latest Steven King horror film in which a crazed 2 year old boy, bitten by a rabid raccoon while frolicking in the woods terrorizes his neighborhood by shaving pets, and in some cases, women, while they sleep.
C. A soft and supple material used to line coats, slippers and in the extreme cases, pants, for those who need to be warm as the sun and dry as a cactus in the winter.
A. One of the poorest countries in the Arab world, bordering the Arabian Sea, Gulf of Aden, and Red Sea, between Oman and Saudi Arabia. Formerly known as the People's Republic of Yurman.
B. The annoying neighbor on season 3 of "Seinfeld" who met his fate in a Central Park woodchipper while playing Ultimate Frisbee.
C. Some trendy jewelry guy named David whose products will be on your wife's Holiday Gift List, because Courtney, that all-too-perfect housewife next door who married that smarmy investment banker was sporting Yurmans four months before they ever showed up in "InStyle" magazine.
A. The latest trendy but highly alcoholic beverage that tastes just like peppermint.
B. The slang term for a good hockey fight, taken from a popular highlight video "Pummeling on Ice!"
C. A light, porous, glassy lava, used in solid form as an abrasive and in powdered form as a polish and an abrasive. Essentially it's volcano waste recycled as, what else, a skin care product.
A. A device used to prevent ice cubes from partially evaporating in the tray.
B. The actual lyrics to a popular song, "Freesia mind and the rest will follow…"
C. A type of plant, native to southern Africa that bears variously colored flowers, whose strong but pleasant fragrance is used in candles, potpourri and before long, women's panties.
A. The short-lived cartoon pal of famous Disney character in the brief series "Goofy and Loofah"
B. The Pig Latin word for aloof.
C. The dried, fibrous part of the loofa fruit, used as a washing sponge or as a filter that basically does the same thing as MicrodermAbrasion for just pennies a day.
A. The Broadway play a guy with men dressed as women a guy would never see, opting instead to stay home and watch "The Birdcage" again while talking about the brilliance of Robin Williams and the underrated talent of Hank Azaria.
B. Another figure skating term, named after four-time Olympic champion Pierre Faux, to describe an elaborate finish to a difficult routine. Generally, very highly appreciated by French judges.
C. Translated as "fake finish," a term to describe a method of painting that uses paper towels to alter the application of actual paint to create a more formal appearance. Also, used by wives to describe home projects in which their husband uses duct tape to "take care of it."
A. The most potent of Russian vodkas. Legend has it no single bottle has ever been finished.
B. Andy Kaufman's lovable character on the television sitcom "Taxi."
C. A useless putrid trinket, found all around the house, purchased by wives and girlfriends who "saved 30 percent" because they were on sale, as opposed to Guy's Math, where it's called "spending 70 percent for a useless putrid trinket."
1-c, 2-c, 3-c, 4-c, 5-c, 6-c (notice a pattern yet?), 7-c, 8-c, 9-c and 10-c.
My brother used to say "C's get degrees." I think he just liked to hit that bottle of Tchotchke a little too often, but I figured it made sense for this little quiz.
What your score means:
The number you answered correctly is actually a measure of how long you've been married:
10 correct: No "Queer Eye" needed in your house as you've been married a while probably two years longer than you think.
7-9 correct: You're pre-seven year itch. If she hasn't considered MicrodermAbrasion, tell her she looks beautiful. Heck, tell her anyway. It's never a bad thing.
3-6 correct: Newlywed. You've heard at least 8 of these words around your house, but you don't think you know them because of what she calls "selective male hearing."
0-2 correct: You're clearly single. Rock on, dude.
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© 2004, Thomas J. McFeeley