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Jewish World Review Dec. 29, 2004 / 17 Teves, 5765

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Paris Hilton vows to be more annoying in 2005

Takes aim at Britney's ‘Most Annoying’ Crown | One day after singer Britney Spears was named the Most Annoying Celebrity of 2004, hotel heiress Paris Hilton congratulated the pop tart on her victory but served notice that she intends to re-take the title in 2005.

"Britney had a very annoying year and deserves credit for that," Ms. Hilton said, "but I will do everything in my power to be more annoying in 2005."

Behind the gracious fašade, however, Ms. Hilton was huddling with top advisors to determine "what went wrong" in her quest to grab this year's Most Annoying crown.

"Paris thought that she had all her ducks in a row to be the most annoying person on the planet," said one confidant. "No question about it, heads are going to roll."

Jonah Donnelly, an analyst who tracks irritating celebrities for Credit Suisse First Boston, said that Ms. Spears' two marriages in 2004, one of which lasted only fifty-five hours, made her "virtually impossible" for Ms. Hilton to best this year.

"Paris's sister Nicky was briefly married this year, which did help make Nicky slightly more annoying, but at the end of the day it did almost nothing for Paris," Mr. Donnelly said.

Going forward, he added, both Ms. Hilton and Ms. Spears may face a stiff challenge next year from up-and-coming annoying celebrity Lindsay Lohan: "It may be time for them to pass the torch to a new generation of vapid attention-seekers."

Elsewhere, Fox announced that its New Year's Eve coverage this year would include host Ryan Seacrest counting down his fifteen minutes of fame.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz