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Jewish World Review Dec. 21, 2004 / 9 Teves, 5765

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Makers of crack issue safety warning

Could cause users to become ho's, company says | The makers of the popular drug crack issued a safety warning today, advising crack's millions of users that habitual use of the stimulant could cause them to become ho's.

A spokesman for Pharmacia Cranque LLP announced the safety warning from its corporate headquarters in Brussels, causing its shares to plummet on Wall Street.

"Clinical studies have shown that continued use of crack may, in some rare instances, cause the habitual crack user to become a crack ho," said spokesman Jean-Luc Van de Velde.

While not every crack user becomes a crack ho, Mr. Van de Velde added, "the occurrence of crack ho's per one million crack users was high enough to warrant this safety advisory."

In Kansas City, crack user Shelly McTaggart said she felt "betrayed" by the drug giant's announcement: "I've been smoking crack every day for the last eight years and there was no warning label indicating that I was in danger of becoming a ho — which, by the way, I am."

Drug industry experts said that the safety warning was particularly bad news for Pharmacia Cranque, which earlier this year was forced to issue similar warnings for two of its hottest-selling street drugs, China Girl and Chiba Chiba.

Dexter Tolan of Credit Suisse First Boston said that the company's latest woes may cause investors to look elsewhere to put their drug money to work: "Right now I've gone from 'neutral' to 'buy' on crystal meth."

Elsewhere, former New York City police commissioner Bernard Kerik said that due to the holiday-shortened week, there would be no embarrassing revelations about his past this Friday.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz